I thought I slept pretty good last night. I went to bed by 10:30 last night and was hoping to sleep until 6:00am. As usual I woke up at 4:00am as my routine has been the last 2 weeks. Even on the trazodone I will wake up a few hours before my alarm. If I'm lucky enough to fall back asleep it will be at least 45 minutes until I can convince myself I'm actually not good on 5 hours of sleep. Of course when my alarm rips me out of my slumber I feel like I could snooze for hours. What the fuck body?!?
By 10am I am usually falling asleep at my desk. I don't know if it's the lack of sleep catching up to me or if it's the buspar or what. I've nodded off in a meeting before! It's not a good look on me. Today at 9:30 I thought I was literally going to pass out at my desk so I ran out to my car to try and get a 10 minute cat nap in. Of course I couldn't get my brain to shut the hell up and sleep so I headed back to my office feeling groggy. Noon rolls around and I feel like a walking zombie. So I say fuck it and ask if I can take the afternoon off. Come home and sleep for 2 hours. Still feel fucking exhausted but am afraid if I keep sleeping I won't sleep at all tonight.
I have a med check with my psychiatrist on Monday. I still feel anxious most of the time and the problems with staying asleep seem to support that. My therapist says I'm exhausted so I should cut myself some slack if all I want to do is nap instead of jog. Except I can't nap every day. There just isn't enough hours in a day. The house is a mess, bills are behind, I'm slacking in EVERY area of my life right now. I just feel like such a loser. And the worst part is all I want to do is sit on my couch and get stoned. That's what is comfortable right now. I'm so worried there isn't anything that can fix my anxiety. The depression comes and goes but for the most part I have tools to pull myself out of the spiral. I live my life in the anxiety spiral.