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Tired of Xmas Already

I'm so fucking exhausted at this point. We did Xmas with my mom's family yesterday in my hometown. The roads sucked driving back but I was not getting stuck at my grandma's house with some of my least favorite people. Baby Haa did great and thankfully I was mostly ignored. I did have an uncomfortable moment with my cousin (mother of a 2 year old). Her: "Doesn't your life have so much more meaning now?" Me: "Heh, oh yeah, you know." Gah! Seriously? I'm a mom and the implication that childfree people have meaningless lives still pisses me off. I guess I wasn't as much of a person as her before I had my baby. Maybe for her, having her baby was the greatest thing she could possibly do. I usually let my accomplishments speak for themselves but this family? Fuck. They brag about every little stupid thing. I ended up not saying anything about my job offer because they would all just brush it off as not as big a deal as my cousin's baby calling my daughter by name unprompted. I'm sick of feeling like anything I accomplish isn't a big deal because I've always just done things and not made them into a big deal. I'm sick of being the one with her shit together for everyone all the time. Especially because so few have stepped up since I've been struggling with the baby. I've never felt so alone in a room full of people who love me.

Tomorrow is Xmas Eve with his family. My husband stayed home from work today and my MIL is watching Baby Haa so between the two of them the house should be presentable. I mostly just don't want to deal with what I had to deal with yesterday. I'm so mad at so many of these people and I don't feel like I have it in me to fake it again. I resent his family and their burden to us more and more.

I've decided to take the new job. I talked to Mr. Haa about it yesterday evening but before I did I made up my mind to take it anyway. His talk about not being happy with me some of the time anymore made me realize I have to pull my head out of my ass and stop planning my life as though he will always be in it, that we'll always be a team. Because some day we might not be. I have to protect myself.

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