Guys, as a warning, this is a rant - written in tears and anger, so bear with me. Last week, I unexpectedly came out of my building to find someone had crashed their car into my parked car sometime in the previous 48 hours. There was a note from the police department that I could pick up a police report. I was already planning to bring the car in for needed work on the engine. I dropped it off, but the shop said they didn’t do body work (the fender, wheel hood and both doors were badly damaged. The tire could only turn partway). In shock, I walked to the police department, got a police report that a 93 year old (yes, actually) man had just plowed into my car in the middle of the afternoon on a bright and sunny day apropos of nothing. He luckily had insurance —-Allstate, that immediately admitted liability. However, I couldn’t get repairs until I sent them photos of the car which I couldn’t do because it was in the shop getting the engine repaired.

Finally, last week, I sent photos, got an estimate, took it to a body repair shop. The estimate was too low because Allstate claimed the doors and fender could all be repaired. They couldn’t. They had to wait until an adjuster came physically to confirm the damage. Meanwhile, I am traveling for work. Meanwhile, I don’t have a car. Allstate assures me I can go to any enterprise and get a car. It’s all set up. I confirm twice with them.

I arrive home tonight. Go to the enterprise at the airport. Oh, no, ma’am. Airport location doesn’t do insurance claims. Sorry. The downtown location is closed. You can try the train station. I hike out to the train station. Oh no, there are no cars available. I almost lose my shit but call Allstate and explain the situation. The lady on the phone says I can go to any vendor. Hertz and Budget are both there. The only thing available is a car at Hertz for $150/day, which I relay to Allstate lady. She says they will not authorize that. I ask her what I”m suppose to do - how am I supposed to get home? She asks why I didn’t call ahead or go to a local branch? I repeat that I just returned home from a work trip, was told - twice - that I could go to ANY enterprise branch and pick up a car, and all the “local” branches are closed as it’s now 7:30pm on a Friday night. She tells me to get a family member of friend to pick me up. I say that’s not possible.

Here’s the thing, folks. I’ve been dealing with severe depression (with my severe life-long anxiety) since January now. I live in a big city far away from any family and the few close friends I had left. In fact, my main issues in therapy are the fact that I can’t form relationships and feel like a loser and a pathetic human being without any friends. I basically feel like a worthless piece of garbage all the time.

So, she tells me, verbatim “I find it hard to believe that you live in a city where you claim you have no family members or friends.” To which I started crying. Everything is just so hard, you know? Life, my work is a nightmare right now, traveling, I have so much on my plate. I just got back from FMLA a month ago to work on my severe depression and, honestly not much has changed. I’ve been trying to find therapists and psychiatrists here, but it’s been a huge challenge and financial, emotional, and time drain. I asked her what I’m supposed to do then, as I’m stranded at the train station. She said “How am I supposed to know? I’m in a call center in a different state. Maybe you shouldn’t have taken your car into the shop if you didn’t have another means of transportation available.” Again, their client, a 93 year old man smashed into my parked car. None of this was remotely my fault. And yet..... Still crying, I asked the first thing that popped into my head “I don’t understand why you’re blaming me for this situation. I did everything your company asked me to do. None of this situation is my fault. What would you have me do?” She didn’t answer for 2-3 minutes while I continued crying (it’s honestly deeply embarrassing but instinctual for me now; I’m so depressed it’s like a default.) She said “Do you have any other questions?” I was still crying a few seconds later when she hung up on me.

There’s just so much on my plate right now, and I feel so so so so alone. And I have so many things to handle and I can’t do it. I just paid a bajillion dollars I don’t have for a taxi to take me home. I have to travel again next week. I have Congressional testimony to write Monday. I have to buy clothes somewhere because I’ve gained 60 pounds on depression medication and not exercising. I have no one to take care of my cat. I have to write a statement to accompany a promotion opportunity due next week, while I’m still traveling.

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I just want to run far, far, far away from everything and everyone. I cannot cope with life right now. No, I’m not suicidal but I’m also not saying this as a “joke,” like, “life, man.” I seriously don’t know how to cope. I’ve been trying so hard, but I’m all alone, always, and it’s too much.