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To the asshole(s) who robbed us last night

This morning, when my husband texted me to let me know someone had broken the window of his car and stolen his bass guitar, I wasn't completely shocked. We have heard from neighbors that someone had been opening unlocked cars and going through everything in them, leaving them a mess. If I was an asshole that might commit theft and I saw a guitar in a car, I probably would steal it too. You can probably get some money for that.

To be honest, my first thought was "Well, why did you leave something so expensive in your car, Mr. Peachy? The most expensive thing I am comfortable leaving in my car is my gym bag, and who is going to steal that?"

Well, apparently you. You would steal that. When I got in my car several hours later to drive myself to school, I realized someone had pulled everything out of the glove compartment and threw it all over the car. You even went through the plastic CVS bag I had full of garbage. The only thing missing? My gym bag.


While the bag itself was very nice, a "treat yo self" gift to myself from Lululemon in honor of finishing the coursework for my Master's degree last spring, I don't imagine that would bring in a lot of cash. Inside, there was a jump rope, two pairs of shoes (one pair of olympic weightlifting shoes), wrist wraps, band-aids, headbands, a change of clothes, and tampons. Apparently you went through all of this, because you left everything but the jump rope, weightlifting shoes, and bag itself on top my neighbor's trash bin. You even took the time to leave the unused tampons. Are you a ladies size 9.5 and happen to love weightlifting and CrossFit too? Is there some sort of demand for dirty old gym shoes on the black market that I am unaware of? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH THOSE SHOES?

They aren't comfortable. The soles are hard and inflexible. You can't really walk in them. You can't run in them. You can't jump in them. They are good for one thing. Olympic weightlifting. And that is a fairly obscure thing. And a jump rope? REALLY? I'm not even mad anymore. I'm just really fucking confused.



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