Today I've felt deeply sad. Although I expected this as a natural procession of feelings I hadn't quite expected it this strongly or swiftly.

Last night, after some beers, I wondered to myself "what if the best version of myself is the girlfriend I was?" I Mean I was so good at making him happy and trying to make me happy feels like holding on to slippery goo. I want nothing. I hate all things. I want to be left alone but I desperately. Desperately. Don't want to be alone.

Today my friend was all " just feel your feelings, don't fight it" and my only response was that I couldn't, not while I was at work! I cannot and I refuse. I acknowledge but I cannot actively feel when I'm at work. And after work?.. well I'm sitting in a bar by myself so what does that tell you. It isn't the first time and it's only one beer each time but it screams in my face and I'm not willing to deal.

The coworker I kissed with is in a similar situation with a few differences, hes so gorgeous any woman will want him (at the party Thursday he kissed 3 girls, I kissed him and another girl, shes a doll) and more importantly he is so Cheerfully social he always has people to hang out with.

Every person I know is coupled and can say no more than "aww, wanna meet up next week or summin?". They care. But I have no one to go down this dark hole with untill I'm done.. I miss having friends like that..

I feel deeply sad. But I'm scared to experience it.

ETA: I have never been truly great at experiencing big emotions. When I was a teenager my dad was a serious alcoholic and I dealt with that by either yelling at him or becoming depressed/cutting myself to cancel out all those feelings. I'm strongly working against such a downward spiral but I realise I don't really know how to. Except maybe crying along with a tv show, I have no healthy ways of feeling my feelings.