I’m still so fucking sick. The steroids aren’t doing anything. Boyfriend is getting sicker, he cancelled on the wedding we had to go to tonight. I went but was miserable through the entire thing. I didn’t realize how bad I felt until I set foot out of the house.
Feeling so bad has pretty much murdered any kind of emotional intelligence or regulation that I have. I cried all the way from my apartment to my friend’s place who drove me to the wedding because I was so disappointed that boyfriend had to cancel. I know I took it way personally at first and had to reel myself back in from going off the fucking emotional deep end and thinking that he was just mad at me and that’s why he cancelled. I know that’s completely irrational and fear driven, and I didn’t act on those thoughts, but it scares me to feel so unhinged. I just texted him that I was sorry he was still so ill and that we’d miss him.
I just want to feel better. I want some kind of reassurance. I hate being sick. I hate feeling so fragile and vulnerable. I just wish someone would tell me this was going to turn out alright. I wish I could do something. I hate sitting in the unknown, and I feel like the world’s most unattractive weepy basket case.