It definitely could have been worse but mleh. Just shitty.

First off, guess who has to go back to the psychiatrist on Monday? THIS GIRL. Why, you might ask? Ha. Haha. Cuz I forgot to bring her my blood work and EKG results. She pretty much wouldn't talk to me until I brought them in. She also mentioned wanting to put me on two medications - an anti-depressant/anti-anxiety pill and a mood stabilizer.

Judging by my very minimal training in psychology and medicine, and judging by the specific tests she asked for, I think (though I could be wrong) she wants to put me on lithium. I really, REALLY do not want to be on that. Lithium is no joke. But I also don't know for sure yet so I suppose there's no use freaking out until I speak to her on Monday.

Also, and this is just weird so bear with me while I sort of vent about it, the Prince is dating someone else.

Ok. Hmm. I knew he was seeing someone (his ex from before me, actually) but it wasn't really a relationship at that point and now it is.

I, hmm. Alright. I have odd feelings about it. Let me start with I'm not flipping the fuck out or anything. Him and I have, prior to this, had pretty in-depth conversations about our relationship and our feelings towards each other. Just as a quick summary, he apologized for a lot he did while we dated, he did seem to learn a lot, and now we're very close friends who actually get along a LOT better than when we dated. We both have some residual feelings (that's to be expected) but we are no longer in love. So any feelings I have on him dating someone are not coming from a place where I, personally, want to be back with him. He's a lovely person and a delightful friend, and I'm incredibly happy to have him in my life, but I no longer hold severe romantic feelings for him. I just...don't.

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However, I still feel weird about him dating someone. Part of me is happy, because I want him to be happy. I care about him deeply and I want him to have a fulfilling life. Like I said, he also seems to have learned a lot from our relationship which he took into this new one which makes me smile.

But there's this little feeling in my gut, well more screaming in my ear, that is kind of pissed. Because (and this is totally illogical but I really just need to get it out, so please bear with me) he left me because he wanted to be alone. He did not want any semblance of a relationship. Even after we broke up, before he started seeing this young lady, he still stuck by that I was an amazing girlfriend, he just emotionally could not handle a relationship. And that's fine! I am in that place right now, I completely get it. It hurt like hell when we broke up (as you all know) but now I am 100% understanding of why he left.

But now he's in a relationship! And it's like, you made me be alone so you could be, and now I am and you're not. And no I know he didn't "make" me be alone, I'm being hyperbolic. That's just what the little angry Fluffybutt is saying. So in a sense I am jealous, but not specifically of his new lady friend, if that makes sense. I don't know. I just feel so odd about the whole situation. And of course he is totally allowed to change his mind on his stance of relationships, and it has been nearly 6 months since we broke up. It just...hurts in a very, very odd, yet specific, way that I cannot properly verbalize. I...think I'm angry at him? I think I am. But I feel like I have no right to be.

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Although, this does actually help me better understand why Consort was upset. Now this isn't to say I agree with his reaction or even think it was remotely the correct course of action, and I know the logistics of each situation are quite different. But as someone who's emotions often take precedent over logic, I can better understand the thought process of "I thought you wanted me. Why didn't you just come to me?" Like I said, it is completely illogical and relatively unfair, but I kind of get it now.

On that note, and this...ha. I don't know, this is just sheer silliness I feel. I still miss Consort! Because fuck me, right? Mleh. I'm not pursuing anything, with him or anyone else. I'm still not ready for a relationship. I actually thought I had come a long way recently, emotionally anyway, with therapy and such, but the whole recent debacle made me realize just how much more work I have to do to get to a place where I am emotionally and mentally stable enough to be in a serious relationship. Such a relatively small situation threw me for a total loop, and I cannot have that happen. I still can't handle a relationship. But of course that just ties into the underlying feelings of loneliness on top of missing Consort specifically, and it just gets super silly.

So overall, today was just fucked. *Sigh.

How's everyone else doing?