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Today's Gummi: Haribo Happy Cola

Illustration for article titled Todays Gummi: Haribo Happy Cola

Greetings, gummi public, and I must express the boundless gratitude from all the staff here at the Gummi Research Center for your countless messages of support after our recent brush with the internet rumor-mill. It means a great deal to all of us to know that we retain your gummi faith and confidence in this time of gummi confusion. Today's results from the Gummi Experiential Algorithm™ concern a popular favorite, Haribo Happy Cola gummis. And so, without further ado, I'll plunge right into the meat of the matter—our findings that, while not entirely scientific, are indeed definitive:

1) there's a definite cognitive gummi dissonance with the immediate forward flavor profile—at one point a group of interns was gathered around with their copies of the Haverbrook Gummi Flavor Wheel, and yes, the consensus was clear: these taste far more like gummi root beer than gummi cola. You can imagine the consternation at this clear gummi misrepresentation, I'm sure I don't have to spell it out for you, but tears were shed;

2) the clear top half of the Happy Cola gummi tastes rather neutral. Instead of the blending of two distinct gummi flavors we have the assertion of one gummi flavor supported by a watery non-flavor, a kind of blank supernumerary gummi that wanly supports but doesn't enhance. If you're goint to paint with two gummi colors, why make one of them transparent? We're not sure; and


3) the gummi texture is supple, chewy and close to perfect; in the piehole it first resists gamely, then submits gently to efficient maceration. This is a well-crafted gummi, one could only wish that the craft was in service to a higher gummi aim.

Final Gummi Grade: B-, since the gummi texture is really the main appeal here, the alpha and omega of this particular gummi. Were these called "Happy Root Beer Gummis" the grade would probably be a solid B, but the gummi misrepresentation is a little troubling to our staff.


NB: Just to clear up any misinformation that I've been made aware of on various social media sites, I'd like to state definitively and for the record that the Gummi Research Center is a nonpartisan research facility and is no way associated with the Unification Church or any of its subsidiaries or affiliates, nor is Lyndon LaRouche a board member or anything other than a sincere noninterested admirer and occasional unpaid contributor to our in-house newsletter. Don't believe everything you read on the internet, people.

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