Welcome To The Bitchery
Welcome To The Bitchery

Today's Gummi: Haribo Strawberries & Cream

Illustration for article titled Todays Gummi: Haribo Strawberries  Cream

Greetings, friends of gummi, and right off the bat I'd like to sincerely thank everyone who took a minute to contact their legislator in order to voice support for having at least a portion of The Gummi Research Center's funding for our cutting-edge research into gummi worm composting restored by the Congress. Negative voices tell us over and over again that the gummi community has no friends and no voice on Capitol Hill; hopefully this unprecedented outpouring will open a few eyes among our legislators.


So, without further ado, on to today's gummi, Haribo Strawberries & Cream, about which our team has come to some conclusions which, while not entirely scientific, are indeed definitive, namely:

1) the strawberry gummi flavor is quite true, but also quiet and reserved, expressing little exuberance, and is both somewhat diluted by the layer of cream gummi that lays beneath it and obscured by the crunchy sugar coating, so the overall impression is one of a gently juicy diffuseness. Nevertheless, the pleasant flavors proved to be a high-water mark;

2) the two gummi flavors are indistinct and share the same texture, leading to much consternation among our research team. What's the sense in having two distinct gummi layers if theyre going to be indistinguishable from one another? When the two were lasered apart and subject to blind gummi taste-tests, only two of nine gummi tasters could successfully discern which was which, and this is not an acceptable ratio for the aspirational gummi. There is an ascorbic tartness to the strawberry gummi that is absent in the cream gummi, but little else to differentiate, and the sugar coating only adds to the sense of uniform sweet similarity; and


3) the the texture of this gummi is its singular failing; this gummi, much like its sister gummi Haribo Peaches, is quite lacking in gummi backbone. In the piehole it quickly dissolves into a jelly-like consistency, the gummi flesh meekly submitting to even the gentlest mastication without so much as the meekest of gummi-struggles. This gummi ends not with a bang, but a sugary whimper, and the overall impression is one of a limp, sugar-dusted gummi jellyfish laying inertly in the mouth.

Final Gummi Grade: C+, due almost entirely to oversweetness and utter lack of classic gummi toothbounce.

Share This Story

Get our newsletter