Welcome To The Bitchery

Today's Gummi: Haribo Tropifrutti

Greetings, Gummi Nation! Tonight the Gummi Research Center turns its patented gummi microscope onto a newcomer on the gummi battleground, Haribo Tropifrutti. Things did not go entirely smoothly, but we have come to some conclusions which, while not entirely scientific, are indeed definitive, namely:

1) the various "tropical" flavors (banana, grape, weird red blob, pineapple, something vaguely scallop-shaped and yellow, toucan, palm tree) are mostly medicinal and more redolent of a chem lab than of anything resembling actual fruit;

2) the external skin has the basic texture of those wax lips they used to sell at the five-and-dime, and this waxy exoskeleton wraps around a charmless, gooshy interior texture that is strongly, weirdly and nondescriptly flavored; and


3) these really are very problematic, they're a carnival of gummi craftsmanship flaws. No toothbounce, no chewiness, just wax lips wrapped around fake-tasting oddities. Really? A palm tree? Is it supposed to taste like palm fronds? Who thought this up? And grapes are a "tropical" fruit now? Or are those supposed to be raspberries, another not particularly tropical fruit? And why does the damn toucan taste like strawberry and not toucan at all? Two of our lab associates actually broke down and wept and had to be given the rest of the day off after the first round of tests, you know that's not a good sign, and our concern for them does figure into the final grade. We're all human, and can't simply ignore the effect on our colleagues, even in the interests of science.

Final Gummi Grade: D+, and we feel we're being rather generous, mostly so as to leave sufficient room on the continuum of the gummi scale for gummi coprolites, gummi asparagus pee, gummi balut, and various other hypothetical future gummi horrors that dead lay dreaming in the R'lyeh of Haribo laboratories.

Share This Story