Welcome To The Bitchery
Welcome To The Bitchery
Illustration for article titled Todays Gummi: Haribo Twin Cherries

Today has been an exciting day here at the Gummi Research Center. We've been informed that the Sequester has only affected the funding for our study on Gummi Worm compost, so we're all very relieved to have dodged a bullet there, and as a result we're able to run a popular favorite through our patented Gummi Experiential Algorithm™ and see what the numbers show us. So, by popular demand, today's subject is Haribo Gummi Twin Cherries, about which we have reached some conclusions that, while not entirely scientific, are indeed definitive, namely:

1) the intensity and interplay of the gummi red cherry vs. gummi green cherry-stem flavors is a beguiling one—there isn't a hardline difference as you'd see in multitonal gummis like sharks or frogs, but instead a delicately subtle gummi-gradation of flavor within a very similar gummi-texture. The gummi interns gathered around when we ran these gummi numbers, just to see if they could tell the difference between the gummi stems and the gummi cherries; this kind of fascination is rather rare with our jaded gummi professionals, I have to say, so it is indeed noteworthy;

2) the texture of the gummi cherries vs. the gummi cherry stems is essentially the same, even where the gummi flavors diverge; this leads to a little bit of cognitive gummi dissonance, but it seems like an edgy gummi choice to this researcher, a daring roll of the gummi dice; and

3) there is a certain gummi hardness, a gummi overfirm quality, even to this researcher's toothbounce-loving maw; the gummi tends to break into pieces rather than meld into chewy goodness when savaged in the toothy piehole, fighting back against the attacking choppers rather too succesfully and declaring their independence in a fashion that leaves the palate a little mystified.

Final Gummi Grade: a solid A- for completeness of both red-cherry and green-stem gummi flavor, transition of red to green gummi flavors within the same gummi texture, and firmness and solid toothbounce of the gummi. This was a rather divisive specimen for the staff—there were many who felt that it was a kind of experimental expression of gummi genius, the über-gummi, the future of gummi incarnate, but there were others, equally passionate, who felt it rather severe, overly esoteric and ungiving. I tended towards the former, but understand the concerns of the latter, and so the final grade is a hair shy of gummi perfection.


Share This Story

Get our newsletter