Welcome To The Bitchery

Greetings, Gummi Nation!

With partial funding restored The Gummi Research Institute™ (TGRI) has resumed its research projects, and some of them are starting to bear fruit. As always, the concerns and thoughts of Friends of Gummi across the world are of great interest to us, and tonight's featured gummi is a particular response to reader feedback.


Our analysis of Life Savers Gummies ParOdise Mix is a direct reaction to the notion that the subjects for our research are dominated by a few European companies, and that we pay little attention to the exciting things that homegrown American gummi artisans are doing right here on our shores.

As always, we have come to some conclusions which, while not entirely scientific, are indeed definitive, namely:

1) Life Savers Gummies ParOdise Mix come in four distinct flavor combinations: strawberry acai, blueberry pomegranate, pineapple mango and cherry yumberry.

2) Our investigators were unable to discern the particular provenance of the yumberry, or where it's grown.

3) The fact that the actual flavors, while bright and friendly, bore no resemblance whatsoever to the trendy fruit they were attempting to represent made several of us wonder why there was no quinoa-kale flavor. Cause hey, why not?


4) Whatever happened to boysenberry? Remember when everything was boysenberry-flavored? How the mighty are fallen.

5) These rings entirely lack structure. They are more jellies than proper gummis, lacking in both acidic spine and toothbounce. During our roundtable, the words "bloppy" and "puppyish" were the most common descriptors that arose. These are gummis that are trying just a little hard to appeal to an audience they underestimate. Challenge us, Life Savers, we want to be challenged.


6) Nevertheless, the flavors, while froot-punchy, are distinct and bright and really quite pleasingly juicy, so they're not a total loss.

Final Gummi Grade: C+. Good juicy-froot flavors are hamstrung by a distinct lack of any kind of structure, and just kind of flounder out there on their own. Too soft, too spineless, but can coast a little on some rich flavors.

Share This Story

Get our newsletter