I can't get that kiss out of my mind, I hope I'm remembering it correctly. We looked at each other and I smiled? He smiled? I just remember putting my hands in his hair and feeling his beard and soft lips on mine. Everything in me wanted him at that moment. He felt soooo good.

We released when a stall opened up and he was going to follow me inside. I pushed him and said "no I really have to use the toilet". I washed my hands and he pulled me inside. And he shoved his hand down and went crazy. And then he said he had a condom and I died a little inside. I just couldn't do it there. Not with my friend there, what would they think if they found out. I think that was the major motivator. And in the midst of him fingering me and my body getting wetter and wetter, I thought how sad I would be if I gave in and let him, and then never see him again, like the others. I didn't want him to evaporate into thin air leaving me with only my dirty panties and fading memories of the guy I fell in loving lust with for one night.

And then his touch stopping feeling so good. And I stood my ground. So we left the stall. And he didn't wipe me from his fingers. But then he pulled me outside and we couldn't find a private area, so we sat on some stairs around the corner. He tried to put his hand in my tights again, but the angle was off and he didn't want to expose himself there, so he rang random bells hoping that someone would just open the door. I knew that going inside one of the houses would steal me of my resolve. Crossing that threshold would mean giving him my body to use. And I would be left with nothing but an aching heart and paranoid mind. Thank God, all the doors stayed as closed as I hoped my legs would be. And then he grabbed my hand and led me back to the club and the filthy toilets. I tried every excuse I could. His house, my house neither are options since I'm with my friend and can't leave them alone. That would be majorly fucked up. "Can't we do this another night, I want to fuck you, just not here. Why can't this wait," I ask. "Because I want to fuck" was his answer. But I haven't shaven, I don't shave, I'm sporting a full bush. Looking into my eyes and I know he's telling the truth, he says "I like that."

I pull away from him when we get to the door of the club. I don't want to be in that toilet, even for someone that does this to me. He hesitates, unsure if this is it. I look down, maybe shame is written on my face. But I give him my hand again and follow him down to that disgusting place. Behind the stall doors, we fight over my tights. I try to keep them up, but not really wanting them to stay there. He simply grabs them and pulls them to my ankles. I try to cover myself with my hands, I don't want him to see the overgrowth. I'm self conscious since I know the girls here shave it totally bare. He moves my hands while falling to the floor and buries his head. God, O lord, fuck. He is amazing and seeing his face in my mind's eye and I don't want it to stop. And then he fingers me again and I lift my leg for easier access.

I want to come on his hand, but he mentions the condom and tells me to turn around and I know this is it. I can't stay here, I'll have to give up something that I can't even vocalize. Something that once it's handed over to him will make me empty. And this act will end with me in tears of the most exquisite sorrow. I will be hurt and broken. Even through the drug induced haze, I know this. I say, "I can't do this. I'm so sorry, I can't so this."


He goes even deeper with his fingers and I want to come again. I try to push his hand way. I think he knows this is it also. There' a... resoluteness to his touch. She's not going. "At least suck my dick since I went down on you."

It's lovely. And the smell is intoxicating. I want to fall to my knees and suck him til he comes all over me. I even want to swallow. But I think it's dirty and diseased. It's beautiful poison. I look it over and see nothing out of the ordinary, so I pull my hair back and kiss it. The heat, the soft skin over the hard shaft. I lick the tip and pour all the desire I have for this man I do not know into the small act, trying to convey with it how sorry I am that I cannot do this that I want to do so badly. I apologize while fixing my dress and leave. I return to my friend who is worried since I've been gone for so long. I tell them I was making out with the guy and ask them if I should be offended that someone wants to have sex with me in a toilet and get no response from them.

When I go down stairs and see him with his eyes closed in rapture and a girl behind him. I'm crestfallen. I know he made no promises to me, but . But. It hurts as if I've been kicked in the soul. An hour later when they are finished and he's talking to her, I want to go over and grab him away. He was mine first. And he likes me better. But doing so, even though I'm convinced he'd go along is stupid unless I'm ready to fuck in the toilet. And I'm still not