"You keep saying 'I'll be fine' but it sounds like you're trying to convince yourself of that." And she was right.
I don't want to be sad. For 5 years I've been in relationships, I've always had somewhere else to focus my energy. And now I don't. I have to face everything head on and I'm really...sad.
It's like I finally broke tonight. Because I no longer have a boyfriend to focus on I had to look at everything going on and I just couldn't handle it. I've been crying on and off all night. I'll be ok for a bit, and keep saying "I'm fine, I'll be fine" but then I break again.
I don't know how to be sad.
Fuck. I'm alone. I have to do this alone.
And right now is one of those times I'm falling down the hole of wishing I had a relationship, and I don't know if it's because I just want someone here with me or because I wish, more than anything, I had something else to focus on.
5 years of shit. 5 years of shit I've been ignoring has just come out. At once. It's all just hitting me wave after wave. Consort, the Prince, my abusive ex, my abusive stepfather, my mother's cancer, grandpa's death, my living situation, the near eviction, the seizures. Everything is just bubbling up and I can't stop it.
Is it ok to be sad?