I’m trying to buy a house.

It’s a poor town in the middle of meth country, so the pickings are slim to begin with. I have a penchant for vintage-y houses and they are plentiful, but I don’t have the time or resources for a hardcore remodel before my gig starts, so I’m going to have to settle for a 1990s McHouse or a brand new construction with even less character and neighbors socloseyoucanhearintheirhouses. Which ... if I wanted neighbors that close, I’d still have an apartment in San Francisco.

I’m practical anyway, but necessity means buying a house I like but don’t love. Cool. Fine. Privilege, luck, healthy dose of realism.

So I found three that I liked, ranked them in order, and made an offer on my favorite. It had some nice traits, and could be cleaned up to be my tastes. It’s overpriced for what it is and where it is located, but it’s been on the market for over two months. The owner had left a vintage El Camino in the garage and all of the realtor photos had liquor bottles lying around the kitchen and art on the walls that looked ... like a dudebro. Whatever. I don’t have to like you to like your house.

So I make an offer that is low but fair for the neighborhood, and about 10% lower than ask. He comes back with $500 under ask. I come back at 8% under ask, and he says, “We’re too far apart,” and I say fine, I will do 6% under ask, but that’s the final offer. My realtor expressed some concern to their realtor that I am very literal, and very direct. (My last offer covers what he paid when he bought the house and realtor expenses. I have researched.) He said, and I quote, “I have another offer that’s higher and am going with that one.”

Gentle reader, this house has been on the market for 72 days at this price. I was sort of surprised at the sheer coincidence of two offers being made on the same day. But ok.

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I ... think he wanted me to make another offer? But we withdrew, and I made an offer on House 2. As of this morning, House 1 is still not listed as pending.

Good luck with that, buddy.