This Trump stuff from the past week is taking its toll on me. Albeit exhausted from a long day, the #repealthe19th hashtag caused me to cry.

Reading the stories about people’s first assaults on Twitter, mostly comprised of experiences I can relate to, has triggered me.

Hearing men defend the actions of Trump as normal as triggered me.

Hearing well-meaning men talk about their disgust as it relates to their daughters and wives and mothers triggers me.

Watching politicians publicly declare what a vile person Trump is while still saying we should vote for him triggers me. Clearly, the way a man treats women is not a huge deal. They are disgusting; they are trying to manipulate both Trump and never Trump Republicans into voting for them. They deserve to lose their seats and their careers.

Hearing evangelical voters and leaders claim that god has forgiven Trump and they will vote for him triggers me. I said it about the Duggar abuse, and I’ll say it again: the only forgiveness that matters is that of the abused, and they are not required to give it.

Watching as a (hopefully small) vocal sect of the internet calls for women to lose their right to vote triggers me. We are going to be flat out blamed for the election’s outcome. Will we be retaliated against?

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My history of sexual assault includes your standard, run-of-the-mill being groped, gazed at, and touched from a young age, including at age 16 by a 40ish-year-old manager of the store I worked at on the weekends. My history of sexual assault includes being roofied (but luckily saved by a friend). My history of sexual assault includes a “gray area rape” by an ex BF that I determined was indeed rape, by only years later.

All the feelings of any time I’ve been touched or looked at against my will are flooding back, way back to being an uncomfortable 10 year old on a strange old man’s lap, or being watched while I bounced on a trampoline. And I feel as if I am losing the right to say no. I know, that technically I am allowed to say no, but will my “no” be taken even less seriously? Will it be drowned out by all these men who look up to Trump as a role model because of what he can take from women?

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I know that the anxiety and triggering I am feeling now has come because white women are being specifically targeted right now, and I am a white woman. I am sure POCs have been feeling this for a while. I have always hated Trump for his racism, but it does feel different when you are the target. I hope white women who have previously discounted the racism thing develop a sense of sympathy toward POCs.

ETA: I’m not particularly concerned the Hillary is going to lose the election, but 538's three polling models all have Hillary above 80% now. Polls + is at 83%, Polls Only is at 87%, and Nowcast is almost 90%!