TW: triggery stuff about mental health
So, I've heard a lot about trigger warnings, but never really understood just what it meant to be triggered. Even though it seems kind of obvious. But, well, it happened to me and I'm still dealing with it, although it came about through a situation with a person, not reading.
So, I've known this guy for a while. Only met him once in real life, but we have been FB acquaintances ever since. Recently he sorta out of theblue asked me out, and I was like, yay! I've always been attracted to him.
First date was amazing. Like we clicked, we kissed a lot but didn't go any further than that, we stayed out late talking, it was awesome. Then, well I live in another city a couple hours away, so I wasn't sure what would happen. But he called me every night. Posted a Kate Bush song for me on FB. And etc.
finally I get back to Other City and we go on another date. And... It was fucking awful. Well the first part was ok but then we went to dinner. He got so mad at me within 5 minutes of sitting down that he told me to leave. I didn't leave right away because I was kind of in shock. But the more I talked the worse it got. He was hostile. He assigned evil intentions to everything I said. And when I stood up for myself he got angrier, and told me I was selfish and a terrible person and etc. and that I needed to leave.
So, ok. I thanked him for the beer I didn't even finish drinking and I left. And I felt like I'd been mugged.
I called my BFF and when we talked she was like, He is sick. This is not about you. He's a prick, that us not normal behavior, plus he was gas lighting you. And something inside me clicked. Minus the romantic parts, this is EXACTLY the shit my mother used to pull on me. She was diagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder when I was 30, and I have read a shitload about it and things about my childhood finally made sense. Well I never in a million years imagined I would have any kind of personal relationship with anyone else with bpd. And I don't, really, because the thing with that dude is OVER. But the experience totally shook me.
I'm completely over him. That was just an unfortunate blip on my radar. But it opened a floodgate of emotions from childhood, of being Painted Black, of being told I was ugly and no good and evil even when I was just sitting there minding my own fucking business. This guy triggered the shit out of me. I've been sobbing in my office at work, pulling myself together in time to go to meetings, but sobbing on my way home, crying jags at weird times, just feeling really emotionally raw. And really lonely, too.
I don't really have a question. I just needed to write about this I guess. Although comments are welcome. Peace.