Tw: Self-harm, abuse
So last night, I get a text from Littlefinger, saying that he wants a night in and he'll talk to me tomorrow. I immediately abandon my cheese plate, and run to his apartment to grab my things.
I walk into his apartment. He's skiing. His ex is on the couch.
I run downstairs. I'm triggered, so I lock myself in the bathroom. I call friends to distract me. LF keeps knocking on the door. Knock knock. My reptilian brain flashes back to an abusive relationship I had. After skiing, an ex would follow me, and would get violent. My body immediately goes into panic mode. Lf enters the bathroom, and starts blasting me with inquiries, and asks me to go upstairs. My butt hits the sink as I back up. I feel like a trapped animal.
He says he's not my ex. He's right. But when your brain gets into that situation, it reacts from past experiences.
His ex is still on the couch. I fucking lose it. I tell him it's me or her. I tell him that he knows this hurts me.I tell him he can chose between ratchet or righteous. I say that she's been the cause of every fight we've had. I say that she's been trying to insert herself into our relationship since day one. I say that nobody liked her. I finally ask him:
"Are you being deliberately obtuse?"
He says he has a past and that she was in his life for a year. He says he's friends with exes. He insinuates that my male friends have talked to him and that I've slept around. This isn't true, but so what if it was? He says he's only skiied one slope.
His ex tries to interject. I hurl at her, and rage:
"If you open your mouth, I will beat the shit out of you. This is not a threat, this is a promise. You're a basic bitch."
I'm scared.I'm raging.
LF says that I should try it. He won't let that happen. He has a past. He says he hadn't lied to me. He says that I demand a lot of attention. He says he jumped from one relationship to another one.
A mutual friend calls-I had texted and called her earlier, explaining my triggers. She's an RN. She yells at LF, saying that the ex must leave apartment. That I'm triggered.
The ex remains.
I turn, look at LF, and say:
"She won this round."
I'm terrified. I run downstairs. I break into sobs. RN friend offers to pick me up. LF swoops down. He's trying to help. "I'm not your ex. I would never hurt you. I didn't tell you because I wanted to avoid a situation like this. I could have not opened the door."
My body is racked with sobs. Doesn't he understand that my brain does things that my rational mind can't control?
RN calls. LF keeps on trying to talk to me. RN says to give the phone to LF. She rends him.
LF finally goes upstairs to ask ex to leave. I cut myself with a razor. I am ashamed.
He comes back down. He says he was wrong. He says that he's sorry he put me in that situation. He says my safety is his number one concern. I apologize for my actions, too. We say we love each other. We do.
Ex still hasn't left. Ex skied and it's not safe for her to drive.
She finally leaves. LF is up all night because of the skiing. I stare at the cut on my hand. I drift off to sleep.