Trying to mediate with an abuser part 2

For those of you who want the first installment

My first mediation session is Monday the 8th. It looks like I'm going to have to go alone. At least Douchecanoe won't be there. We will each have one session alone with the mediator, then a session together(the mediator has agreed to keep us in separate rooms because I don't feel safe with him at least). All of these sessions have to be done before our court date on the 17th.

Besides the letter that I wrote, I also sent two other letters. My BFF Aunt Fish wrote one, and it was a masterpiece. She's a writer, and spent 10 years working in social work. My other BFF Bunny(may as well stick with the animal theme for nicknames, and she has three pet bunnies) wrote the other one. She's a divorced parent herself, and eldest Bazkitten is BFFs with her youngest, and she and her daughter both babysit all 3 kids fairly often.

I knew Bunny wouldn't be able to go with me to any of the mediation sessions because she is baby-sitting a friend's toddler during the day. My Step-cousin(who is also one of best friends) is gonna go with me to the joint session because that will be at night, and Fish doesn't trust herself to not go after Douchecanoe and land herself in jail. Fish was supposed to go with me to my first one. Step-cousin can't do the afternoon one because she has to be at her corner at 2:45(she's a crossing guard, get your mind out of the gutter).

Aunt Fish is the friend who knows how to talk me down from a panic attack. She knows how to get me to talk about things that I really don't want to, and she knows what I need and want out of this divorce. She wants to go with me.

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The problem is that she has gotten very sick. Cracking a rib from coughing so hard sick. If she's not doing a lot better, I'm not gonna let her go with me and get herself all worked up and make herself cough and puke even more. I can't do that to her.

What Fish has done for me these past couple years is fucking hard. I'm learning that firsthand right now as I'm paying it forward to an old friend. I should be paying her back, and taking caring of her now, when she's so sick, not asking her to do another favor, a difficult one at that, for me.

I know I can do this on my own if I have to. I just don't want to. Especially since I think the mediation is gonna be a waste of time and money anyway. If he won't admit that Baby Bazkitten is his, the mediation is doomed before it even begins.