I really just have to let this out of my system.
I feel disgusting about my body, and I'm beating myself up, which is turning into me beating myself up for beating myself up.
I hate the way that I look right now. I feel unattractive and invisible. I keep hearing in my head the words "this is all your fault", even though I know mentally that there were some factors that were out of my control. I injured myself twice in the last six months and was told by my physical therapist not to exercise rigorously. I've gone on walks three or four days this past week, but I have to keep the pace so slow, or else my ankle and shoulder start throbbing. It is infuriating to not be able to run right now, but I cannot afford $125 a session for more physical therapy. Not while I'm unemployed and my mom's insurance doesn't cover it.
I just recently saw some photos of me from about a year and a half ago after I had finished some extremely restrictive low-carb dieting, and I look so different. I am completely uncomfortable in my own skin right now, but it seems so unnecessary for me to feel like this at the same time, because I am still on the small to medium-size of average. 10 pounds give or take the weight gain in six or eight months after illness, injury, and extreme apersonal life stress.. It shouldn't be this big of a deal but I cannot let go. Body positive blogs and trying to be nicer to myself just aren't working right now.