Spacer for those who’d rather avoid the subject.

Many of you know I spent two and a half months this summer out of the country helping take care of my mom. She died yesterday. She was 54.

I’m not particularly happy about sharing the news. I’m finding it overwhelming having to respond to other people’s responses. It’s exhausting trying to act like a human being long enough to interact with people, even though I know they’re just reaching out as an act of goodwill. But it’s going to have to happen sooner or later so I went ahead and posted about it on Facebook just now.

Just the day before she passed I was struggling with how overwhelmed I am by all the stressors in my life right now (divorce, finances, health, break-up with my partner, general single mom shit, plus my mom’s health). I feel very alone where I live. And it was made that much worse by the fact that my mom was almost entirely unable to speak anymore. I couldn’t even call her to chat. She couldn’t e-mail. I’d send photos of my kids to my dad who’d show them to her. But that was about it. He called a few times, to ask me how we were on her behalf. The last time she managed to speak up at the end of the call to say “I love you.” I’m grateful those were her last words to me (and my last words to her).

I spent most of yesterday just feeling really confused. My first instinct after getting such upsetting news was to call my mom, and obviously, I couldn’t do that. But I still don’t know what I’m supposed to do. There’s no funeral (not that I could afford to travel to it anyhow). There are no tasks for me to take care of. All my family in Ohio is handling all that. My kids are, thus far, fairly unfazed by the news (I imagine my oldest will probably break down at some point which will then upset my youngest as well, but for now they’re fine). But I keep saying I don’t know what to do and of course nobody can tell me what I’m supposed to do.

I feel like I woke up to a world where the sun didn’t rise. My mom has always been a presence in my life. I can’t wrap my head around a world that doesn’t have her in it.