I've come to the conclusion that my middling depression has come out full swing. Nothing makes me happy, not even my post office adventure the other day. I'd rather lay in bed with the lights off playing Yatzhee or watching Criminal Minds than go to work or talk to anyone. I've only been back to work about a month and a half, and I've already called out 'sick' 4 times. It's just gotten to the point where I can't even force myself to get out of bed. I've been taking a minimal dosage of Zoloft since I was a junior in high school, so, 8 years? It used to be extremely helpful, but the last year or so, it doesn't seem to be.
I just feel like a failure. I'm 26 years old, no college education, nor the desire to get one. I have my license in esthetics but not enough experience to actually get a job. So I work in a very fast paced, high end retailer selling products that I still, after 3.5 years, have minimal knowledge of. I can sell you all the bells and whistles but can't for the life of me explain the little things. I have no desire to learn the details either, because what's the point? The things I sell, people buy everything anyway. I rarely have to talk anyone into trainings or warranties, they just buy it.
That's what scares me, every time I have an idea of how to better myself, this voice overwhelming says 'what's the point?' I've failed everything I've ever done. Every relationship, every job, everything. This job is the first one I've ever been successful at, with success being just the fact that I still have it. I ruined my marriage, I ruined someone else's marriage. Financially I'm screwed, as in pay check to three days before paycheck kinda screwed. Is it possible to just always fail at everything? Without the possibility of every succeeding or being happy?
I realise I'm rambling, and saying a lot and nothing at the same time. But I came home from work 3 hours early after a massive panic attack and have been hiding in bed ever since. My therapist is retiring at the end of the year, and not recommending his patients to anyone. So, I'm going to be without even that in less than three weeks. I'm incredibly miserable, and no one around notices/cares. And if they do notice it, they sure as hell act as though nothing is wrong. I'm not sure why I'm even telling all of you, as some of you could tell me stories that make me pale in comparison. I just need an outlet that is not available in my actual life. If you read this (and I won't be offended if you don't) thank you, I appreciate it.