EDITED: Thank you all so much for your words of support and of guidance. I’m going to do a LOT of thinking, and I plan on approaching this differently. PapaBear came home today and out of the blue started talking about how we need to address issues in our lives differently than we have in the past because the world, society, our bodies, our children... all of it constantly changes. And while he was mostly talking about how our small family business needs a new webpage that works well for smart phones, it really applies to everything in our lives!

TW: Eating/food issues and self-harm (I think?).

I am looking for any insight/help on figuring myself out, here. I have “struggled” with my weight for my entire adult life, even when my weight was just fine because my family believes strongly in any BMI over 20 is TOO HIGH. Also, “fat” people are lazy/worthless. So I have always wanted to be thinner, even when I was pretty much great.

Now, my weight has gone up beyond what I am comfortable with. My cholesterol is high(ish), and my clothes don’t fit comfortably. I have zero interest in buying new clothes, and I really want to get my nutrition in line. I have, in the past, lost weight by restricting myself to about 1200 calories per day, and it has worked well, and then come right back when I stop obsessively tracking every bite that goes into my mouth. But then.... I turned 40, and my body decided that, after losing about 8 lbs on a 1200-calories diet (mostly/all water, I know), it was utterly uninterested in losing any more. And that kind of a diet is just way too much work for it not to work. So I found the “always hungry” eating plan, and tried that, and while I felt really good on it, I lost not an ounce. Sigh.

I recently realized that I have likely suffered from Binge Eating DIsorder for most of my adult life. I will eat until I am uncomfortably full, and then I will keep eating, in part to punish myself for eating too much in the first place. It makes no sense, but it’s what I do. There is no money in the budget for any kind of therapy around this, so I have to figure this stuff out on my own.

And I have also discovered, after cutting all processed grains (esp wheat), that any time I eat wheat, I feel super-duper sick to my stomach. Also really sweet stuff. (I cannot eat any artificial sweeteners because they trigger migraines). I just ate a handfull of oreos, and while they were tasty going down, I now feel like I might wanna barf. My knee-jerk reaction? eat MORE oreos. I do this even knowing that it will just hurt more. I cannot tell if I am doing this DESPITE the pain, or to cause MORE pain.

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Why the ever-loving hell do I do this? How can I stop? I LOVE LOVE LOVE huge salads, fresh fruits and veggies, and I am quite happy eating lots of them. But when junk food is around, I am drawn to it, I eat it until I feel sick (whether that’s one bite or a million), and then I’m miserable, tired, crabby, and uncomfortable.

But I keep doing it.

I really really want to lose weight. I have clothes that I adore that I can no longer wear, but I am only about 10-15 pounds away from fitting into. Why do I choose junk food that I don’t even like all that much rather than stuff that will taste good feel good, and help me achieve my goals?