I’ve been meaning to make a follow up post to my two posts about my surprise pregnancy, but I’ve just not had the emotional strength. I was told yesterday that I’m in the process of having a miscarriage. I haven’t felt this heart broken since my father was diagnosed with terminal cancer when I was 16, this may actually be worse, since I’m feeling my feelings and not avoiding them through unhealthy coping mechanisms. I think that before this I never thought I would ever get pregnant. Maybe this was something that was so painful for me that I just completely shut off my feelings about having a child of my own. Getting pregnant awoke those feelings like a beast. I was ready to do any and every thing to be sure I had a happy, healthy pregnancy. I went in for my first transvaginal ultrasound and was told I was at 6 weeks, there was no heart beat and I could expect to miscarry within a few days. I still feel generally shitty, eating in the mornings is hard, my boobs aren’t as tender. I’m just such a mess. I have had some brown discharge and today I had some very, very light spotting. I’m an absolute despondent mess right now. My boyfriend and I got married on the 14th. This means people know we were pregnant. I feel so fucking stupid.

My father died on April 22nd 2005, I had plans with my sister and her kids(she knows all about what’s going on) to go to his memorial next weekend. She told me today that she’s going tomorrow because the weather is nice. I called her out and told her it was callous and mean to not even think about what I’m dealing with, and to break our important plans. We live two hours from one another. It’s not a place we go to often. She’s mad at me now. Of course.

Life can suck a big bag of cheesy dicks. I’m over it for the night. I’m going to go drive up a big hill and stare at some city lights while I mourn. Before I get lectures, counseling is already in the works. I am still meeting with a midwife to talk about everything in general and the fact that I want to have a kid. This is just a post to blow off some steam. I’m so mad at myself for thinking I could actually have this.