Welp. I fell off the wagon last night, smoked up, ate an entire bag of amazing popcorn (there's this thing called Chicago mix that is caramel corn and cheddar cheese corn just thrown in together, drool), and blissfully passed out.
I have some regrets this morning. But I threw my gym clothes in my bag, so I'll hit the recumbent bike and the treadmill after work.
When I started seeing my current therapist, she and I began to work on my tendency to be abusively self-critical and harsh. I've been trying not to hold myself to such impossibly strict standards, and instead focus on what I HAVE done instead of lamenting what I haven't. My diet and my body can be a particularly toxic source of self-criticism and shame. So I'm proud that my mindset today is pretty chill and accepting. As much as I've eaten tons of junk food this week and fallen off the wagon when it comes to both pot and my e-cigarette, I'm actually proud of how much exercise I have gotten and that I'm making the gym a habit and a place I enjoy. One thing at a time. I successfully started getting up early in the morning to be in the office by 8 or 8:30 every day. I successfully stopped chewing my nails after over two decades of mangling them. I can successfully give up the e-cig again (though probably not until I find out about grad school). I've accomplished my small goals so far and I know I can focus on food habits next week.
All will be well.
(see, though, this is the kind of mindset I enjoy being in and I wonder if it's the residual pot in my system helping me to calm the fuck down.)