First: I will be okay. I'm not just saying that, I really will be. I've been here before.

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Secondly: No main page.

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Because you guys are my vault, my secret safe space, and because I need to unload:

Blighted ovum. Again. Missed miscarriage. Again.

8 weeks, 4 days.

This time, I was not interested in waiting around for the inevitable biological process. Four Misoprostols were dispatched Wednesday evening. So far, it's been a light menstrual flow, which is not enough. Not nearly enough. I get to take a second dose tomorrow. And by "take", Misoprostol isn't ingested orally.

Rationally, logically, this had to happen. I have to keep reminding myself of this. It's better than finding out after a pregnancy announcement or having a developing embryo with severe chromosomal defects that will miscarry later.

There is still a ton of hCG coursing through my veins, so I'm going back and forth between rational thoughts and anger, despair, acceptance and what I can only describe as an overwhelming urge to punch something while screaming "MY EGGS AND UTERUS DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS SHIT!"

Like I told Mr. Nom in the doctor's office yesterday, "I'm fine with not being pregnant, I just can't stand to go through this again."

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If I'm lucky, there is a lot of pain in my immediate future (for which I already have a bottle of oxycodone in-hand... it kind of covers up some of the pain).

If I'm not lucky, I'll go through all of this and still have to get a D&C.

I'm coping by immersing myself in the internet (I wrote a couple hundred words about the Kardashians this morning!?!?!?!?), crying, playing with LittleNom and holding Mr. Nom's hand. And unloading on GT.

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So, you know, funny gifs and bad jokes are a welcome distraction.

Also, I know I'm not alone. If you want to talk about your experiences, have at it.

ETA: You guys are the best. You know that? The best. Thank you.