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Twentysomething lessons: Don't hang out with creepy coworkers

In my short life I've come across people of all different stripes. Some of my best friends are oddballs. Some of the nicest people are the people who look imposing or who smell kinda odd. Plus, fuck it I'm lonely and I want to get into the inner circle of people at work because they all seem like really cool people and I'm the new girl and shit. Unfortunately, being the new girl means you miss out on a lot of history and nuance. Also, years of gaslighting, self-doubt, and people-pleasingness have left me very dense to creep-signals. Plus I'm just dumb like that. One of my former coworkers called him creepy, but aside from being really socially awkward and smelling kind of bad I didn't see too much that was super off. Plus, he had a crush on her- if he'd had a crush on me I'd be weirded out of course, but since he didn't I figured he wasn't all that bad. Besides, he hadn't been fired yet~how bad could it be?

So last week one of my coworkers was ill. I gave him some ginger soda and pretzels from the bar (I bartend), and I guess he wanted to thank me. He said "hey, my friend and I are going to be at this bar nearby. come over after your shift!" I said ok, and so after work I headed out to meet them. I would never have gone had I known his friend would mysteriously disappear and leave me alone with mr. creepy. First Mr creepy starts talking about the old days at work, and I'm like oh that's cool. Then he starts talking about how Drew Barrymore used to hang out there and how they became friends and how she once kissed him while she was out with Justin Long, but now she acts like he doesn't exist. This was my face:


Then he starts talking about Jewish-Israeli identity politics (he's Israeli and was raised Jewish). I love talking identity politics, so I'm back on board until he starts talking about foreskin reconstruction and how he psychically intuited the George Bush- Margie Schoedinger conspiracy. So I was all:

Then he starts talking about how his great grandfather had patents that were stolen by Hitler and were used to build UFOs in Antarctica. Hitler is apparently alive in Antarctica and conspiring with the CIA and Zionist Jews (who wanted the state of Israel so bad they were willing to genocide their own people so everyone would feel bad and give them a country) to blackmail musicians (Biggie, Michael Jackson, Elvis etc.), ship them to Antarctica, fake their deaths, and steal the patents on their music. So by that time I was desperately trying to sneak out:


But when I tried to take the train home he was all oh I take the same one let's ride together


I thankfully sit in a relatively populated car for such a late time at night, but even though there is tons of space he chooses to scoot up right beside me. His hair is wet, his pupils are dilated, and he's scratching himself. By this time he's slurring pretty badly. He offers me pot the next time he sees me, then tells me he hasn't slept in over 24 hours, and starts talking about shit that I'm not paying attention to. My brain is just spewing this internal monologue of whatthefuckdidIgetmyselfintogetmethefuckoutofthiscarbeforehefuckingtriestofollowmehomeoraskmeout I'm desperately trying to make eye contact with these two teenagers near me, hoping they'll help me out in some way but they either don't care or don't want to mess with him. Finally I get to my stop, but before I can jump out of the car he hugs me and gives me a kiss on the cheek.


Then when I get off the train I realize I'd taken the wrong one and was really far from home at 4am. Luckily I hailed a cab driver who was kind enough (or thought I was cute enough) to drive me cross town for only five bucks.

I talked to my former coworker and she said that yep, creepy dude probably has a crush on you now. I had to be mean to him before he gave up on me. If he makes you uncomfortable tell the boss, because bossman has his eye on creepy's creepyness.


Whoops! Now I'm a bit nervous for work next week. I'm going to turn down any further attempts at non-work contact. Also creepy mentioned to me he has a secret stash at work which I will either find and destroy or let slip to the boss.

My therapist told me making work friends was a good idea. I don't think this is what he meant...

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