This is so self-indulgent, but I need to get this off my chest or I'm going to burst into tears at my desk which cannot happen.

Just when I started to feel a little more sure-footed in my new (highly precarious) position, I made mistake after mistake after mistake tonight, and my god, I'm still such a rookie. I still feel like I don't know what I'm doing, and my mistakes could fuck up so much.

I expect more from myself. My colleagues expect more from me. I can't afford to make all these errors, if I want to keep working.

Just. I hate that I'm not perfect. Isn't that stupid? Rational brain knows that nobody's perfect. But irrational brain won't accept that; I need to be perfect. I can't not be perfect. But I'm not perfect, and when I have to face that, I just feel all this self-loathing.

And I look at the other people around me, and they are so self-assured, and they seem to have all the answers. Then there's me. Bumbling, stupid me.


I want to go home and cry because god, I suck.