Obviously I’m feeling all pretty angry and frustrated with the shit that is our patriarchal white supremacist government.
But last week...I was coping well enough until I started reading/hearing people giving the “men, do nice things for the women in your life” stuff, with (white, cisgendered) woman falling all over themselves to describe how their husband/boyfriend is “one of the good ones” and describing all the nice things they are doing for them to make up for the extra stress in trauma in their lives because of the triggery nature of Kavanaugh hearings.
After the Kavanaugh hearings... that’s what made me cry. I mostly happy being single... but suddenly my life felt empty and sad because I did have a “good” man in my life to do nice for me to lessen the impact of all the shitty stuff that “bad” men do. But I’ve been thinking about it a little harder...it’s certainly not the only factor, but a big part of the reason I had trouble dating when I was young because of trauma from a sexual assault. A major reason I’ve decided dating sites aren’t for me (and most dating in general—unless I meet someone in person I think is really worth it... which hasn’t happened in a long time), is because it’s too much of risk for meeting predatory or otherwise shitty men (well, and also because it seems a massive waste of time).
And then I listened further to a woman bragging about all the nice things her “husband” does for her. And it clicked that this whole dynamic is itself part of patriarchy—and these women, who consider themselves woke liberated feminists, are still making sure they elevate their “good” white husbands and marriages while benefiting from the privilege that marrying them provides.
And then Friday night I was visiting a friend, who is happily married to a “good” liberal white man. And I listened to him constantly insert himself in our conversations with all sorts of crass commentary (but it’s just ironic joking, so it’s “okay!”), lecture me on the fact that we’re in our current political mess because Clinton focused too much on identity politics, and then argue with me about how there’s nothing wrong with professors dating students if both are consenting adults. And within about a couple of hours of hanging out with them, I was like... damn, this is why I’m single. I can’t put up with this shit. And I know so many (not all, but many) have partners that have some level of this obnoxious behavior. And so many of my liberal feminists friends just smile and laugh and are like “ehh, it’s just his sense of humor,” or “well, he just has strong opinions” and brags about how luck she is to have married “one of the good ones.”
Also, I recently listened to a white “intersectional feminist” (one of the same ones that was going over-the-top bragging about the nice things her husband was doing for her) completely derail a conversation about racial disparities in maternal healthcare by bringing it around to discussing the election results and how she has trouble believing that 53% of white woman voted for Tr*mp... and then arguing that perhaps that result is because poor, rural white women are disenfranchised from voting.
Anyway, this article really clicked for me.