I’m filling this with Gene Wilder because Gene Wilder. (TW - medicine, mental illness)
My Dad has decided to make me into a project again. I’m using all my therapy skills to not be bothered by it.
He goes on about hospitals and doctors to me and how vitamin deficiency can cause serious problems.
< I’m like this, because I almost died from anemia because I never look anemic. He's taken an interest because his friend's wife is in the hospital for some deficiency. Which he blames her because she should have known. He gave the example that cows know when they need salt, you must be pretty dumb not to know. I argue that she did know, and did go to the hospital and they turned her away, because they did. How a lot of women can be refused care because people are conditioned not to believe women. He doesn't believe this. I mentioned my health issues, how I almost died because there was no way I could be sick, I just needed to have a baby. He doesn't believe this, so I try to compare our heart attacks. I didn't go to the hospital, because I knew from experience no one would believe me and I had been told that I was an over reactor. Yes, stupid I know, but when you get continuously turned away it's hard to keep going and I started to believe it was nothing. I stayed at home in agony until it passed, not a blockage but literally not enough blood. He went, but that didn't count because he didn't want to go because he knew his heart was strong enough to push the blockage out and he didn't need medical help. He had a blockage.
He became uncomfortable, and changed the topic. He doesn’t like when I talk about my health. So he went on to how I was bullied and how that was awful I never sad anything. How I couldn’t trust the family to help me.
“Well, I told everyone about my hospital problems and didn’t do me much good either. I was even more isolated.” (It was actually worse than being bullied in private, because it came with knowing that people were avoiding me, my sister bad mouthing me as a drama queen, and that everyone else was helpless. FYI when someone is sick, don’t dump your fears on them, they have enough and don’t need all your but what if this happened BS.)
He changed the subject. When I had surgery he actually left the country and refused to speak to me because he was terrified. I got a weird tear-y phone call before, but nothing else. He choose not to know anything. He use to argue with me that I should just accept that doctors are trying to kill me. That I was over reacting. That we shouldn’t talk about it because it was women’s health issue.
Now he’s telling me it’s scary for someone to know that doctors can kill you. How that must be so scary for other people. I laugh at him and tell him “Are you really saying this to me? I have lived this, we don’t need to make up hypothetical people in this scenario.”
He changes the topic to talk about how hard it must be for mentally handicapped people’s parents. How they can’t navigate the system. How they have it so much harder than everyone else.
“And yet we still can’t talk about how hard it is for your intelligent and well spoken daughter to get proper care. We have to talk about other people.”
He changes the subject.
Secondly, he wants me to apologize to his friend (not the one with the sick wife) because he thinks that will make me feel better. I feel good about having his friend afraid of me. I am very happy with this resolution. He argues that I should apologize because it would settle things. My Dad’s friend has been nasty to me and my family. He is a horrible person. Basically, my Dad wants me to make it right because his friend is deeply upset. Then his friend stop being an asshole.
I asked “So when I get mugged and hurt my attacker to defend myself, should I apologize?”
“It’s not like that?”
“How isn’t it? Because he came into our house and told me what a piece of shit I am. He started this fight, it isn’t my responsibility to make it right.”
“You need to understand that he’s like this. He does this to people and you need to be the bigger person.”
“No. He’s a narcissist and that’s what they do. I will not apologize for defending myself.”
He continues to insist that I make it right, that it will cure my mental health problem. I’m just like no. Nope Nope Nope.
Then he moved on to how I need to get better now. That I wasn’t doing anything to get better. Is all that therapy even working? Is there anything even wrong with you?
“Yes, because I’m not dead.”
Ya but it is really working? Does all that talking do something? Then he suggests I should do more chores around the house to get better.
I explain I have PTSD it doesn’t just go away. I’m like those Vietnam vets in movies, except with doctors. Which he rolls his eyes at. I describe what I go through, he becomes uncomfortable and changes the subject.
And then basically goes on about how he never compliment because people should just know they do a good job. I explained worked that I did and how he always criticized it so I assumed everything I did was shit. He told me well I perceived that. I asked
“So you saying what I did was shit was my perception. How is that possible when you said it?”
“Well you took it the wrong way”
“And how did I take the literal “you did this wrong” the wrong way.”
“That’s just your interpretation.”
“Then maybe you should say what you mean.”
“I never have, so why would I?”
I think I did well. I have feelings, but nothing was out of my control. I’m disappointed. But this is all stuff that I already know. He can’t deal with pain. He can’t process any of it. He’ll defend his shitty friends attacking family members until the end of time.