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Ugh. Mother.

I told my mom I wasn't planning on continuing with therapy the other night and she flipped out on me. I get that she is concerned about me and wants me to get the help I need but therapy hasn't been helpful. Dealing with my past traumas has been nothing but painful and has left me feeling defensive like I'm the world's worst person. AND I haven't even delved into the half stuff that makes me feel like a really bad person. I haven't even been able to fully admit it you guys. I can't handle my job, my kid, my marriage and doing all the work necessary to get me from fucked up to functioning. So I'm going to do what I've been doing. No. It's not the healthiest. Yes. I'm fucking up royally left and right. BUT! My stress has been so much more manageable. I start getting down on myself and I'm able to tell myself "stop that, that's not true" eventually. When I was going to therapy weekly I would beat myself up because I couldn't stop hating myself. If one more person tells me to "just find a new therapist" I will scream. I have phone anxiety. I'm shy as fuck so it's impossible to open up. I've felt overwhelmingly judged by every doctor I've ever opened up to. Therapy will not work for me. Just leave me alone.


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