My mom woke me up today by calling my phone back to back like I owed her money, then proceeding to yell at me because I didn't do something concerning my finances. To clarify, she wanted to me call the financial aid office and ask about getting a federal loan, even though she knows my school won't approve my FAFSA because they want my dad's transcripts. So absolutely nothing will be solved by contacting them, but I did it anyway. The entire conversation took 30 seconds and confirmed what I already knew. She then proceeded to call my dad and talk shit about me. I explained to my dad the situation and he told me to not pay too much attention to her before leaving for work. My dad then called me like 30 minutes later while he was on his way to work, and apparently my mom called him again to talk shit. Awesome.

The good news, thanks to GT, I have outlets for my stress.

I listened to you guise and finally reached out to the counseling services offered by my school. I finally worked up the courage to actually check my school email to see what the response would be. She said that she'd be happy to communicate with me through email until I could get reliable transportation. I was so relieved and happy. But I have no idea how to therapy. I know logically...its just what I'm doing right now to complete internet strangers but...I still freeze.

I also emailed my professor in my Intro to Networking class to talk about how badly I'm failing. I sorta read the first paragraph he wrote about how he was sorry about my personal life affecting my grades and then started talking about ways to help me possibly? I dunno because I started crying and then proceeded click out the window before the crying turned into Ugly Face Sobbing(TM). But I'm glad I finally worked up the nerve to reach out and talk to him instead of letting my anxiety keep me silent.

Also the sketches I'm working on for certain GTers makes me calm and happy. I was able to fall asleep peacefully thinking about how I wanted to pieces to turn out. So seriously, thank you guys for letting me create for you. I promise to try and have sketches out within a week's time, I'm fighting with my perfectionism so that I won't delay emailing.

Also I read about narcissism here, and...I think my mother might have narcissistic personality disorder. I'm not saying that my mom is a vain and selfish person, I'm saying that I honestly believe she has this personality disorder. I don't know how to process that. Is it possible to a relationship that isn't toxic and destructive with such a person? Is that just the definition of a healthy one? I don't even think we'll ever have a healthy relationship, just a...calm/resigned one? Even if the pleasantries are just superficial joking and conversation. She isn't diagnosed and doubt if she ever will be, which extinguishes any hope of her being the mother I envision in my mind's eye. That thought doesn't make me as sad as it used to. I'm never going to be the daughter she wants me to be, so I think that I should extend the same courtesy to her. How do you navigate a relationship with somebody like that without cutting them out your life?