I used to be hella creative. Mainly I drew comics, but I also wrote a lot. I wrote about my past medical traumas, my life growing up with an abusive mother and an absent family, and other 'woe is VV' things. When I went to rehab, I kept a journal that I meant to type up, because it was my perspective on a place where I didn't quite fit in (yeah, I had problems, but not problems like the people there. My life is a cakewalk compared to my fellow recoverees). Self-indulgent things. But I just...there's nothing there anymore.
I'm a pretty good writer (may not always come off as one-maybe the closest I've gotten to showing it was my French Revolution post, and even that is more my comical side), so I know how to put pen to paper and go for hours. Except, not anymore.
I don't know what happened, but I have my theories. One: I never go on adventures anymore. I'm stuck in a rut-summer school, where I can't go anywhere, and just some neurotic tendencies that have just now decided to bubble over (always been there, never been so intense). Two: I hate what I write. I'm so self absorbed, and it's usually about my panic that the world is going to end if I'm not in control, how much I hate my 'crazy' (again, the word 'mental illness', to me, just seems like it puts me in a box), or about how I need to do more because I see myself as 'lazy'. Trust me, if I was doing more I would drop dead. Already had a meltdown over everything, but the good news is that it was the first one I've had in months! Another one: I'm just not feeling the groove. Like, can't really explain it. I'm not profound or anything (fine with that), but I want to show people my work. My friends have read some of my stuff. Mostly excerpts from my research papers, or the ones about my early twenties/premature life-crisis. And yes, I have a blog. About how much champagne I consume, if I remember the posts I wrote during my drinking binge.
I get A's when I do research, but it's not the same. I want to go on adventures and write what I see. I just hate when all I do is stupid probability. Well, I like it fine because it's useful in regards to gambling. Not that I'd do that properly, but it's the most useful statistics topic I've learned. I tried writing about statistics, I tried writing about how I need an adventure. Current events and stuff. But it's not like it used to be, and I feel like it's all slipping away. And that scares me.
Maybe this is growing up. Maybe I need to go on an adventure (yeah, good luck with that). Maybe I've lost the spark, or it wasn't there in the first place. I don't know. My creative, wonderful, adventurous Belles, how do you do it? How can I get my muses back? Feel like I'm doing something that makes me happy? And how do I have an adventure when I'm not really able to?
Edit: May not be able to reply to all the comments, because school. If this post doesn't show up, I'll repost tonight.
Another edit: Thank you for all the responses! I've had a shitty day (failed my midterm), so it's nice to come home to so much encouragement and ideas. You guys rock!