I get that many people like to look at hairless, taut abs. That's cool I guess. For many, they seem to elicit a delicious sexual excitement. For me, I am looking at a lobster belly. Seriously, want a corrugated abdomen, check out some insects and sea creatures. When I want to ogle, I want to see some hirsute fleshiness.

What follows is a list of men that I think are hot and not in the "unconventional crush" type of way; these are people who could legitimately get it and I wouldn't think I was stepping outside of any taste boundaries.

Adam Duritz:


I should acknowledge that although I clearly have a type, that does not include pineapple hair, fake dreads, or Sideshow Bob locks. But, I do think I owe a lot of the other traits I find attractive to a discovery of The Counting Crows near the same time I found pantsfeelings. I was fascinated by his tendency to lift up his arms in videos and expose the underside of his belly; it was my Basic Instinct moment. There were slow motion replays.

Duff Goldman:

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Yes, he has tiny child teeth and that's weird. But, he also makes and eats cake; we share interests. He is essentially a cross between a guy at your local bear bar and your best stoner friend.

Matt Berry:

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A hairy man with a round face and a dead sexy voice? Yes, please. Matt Berry seems to finally be getting some recognition in the US, but it should honestly be more. He is an accomplished writer, performer, and musician.

Mark Addy:

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Arguably the best part of The Full Monty, Mark Addy has been on my radar for over a decade and I have watched some shit television (Still Standing anyone?) because I really like him. Also, his Game of Thrones beard is on point and his role as Hercules in Atlantis is wonderful. But, I still treasure being able to see Dave strip any time that I want.

JonTron:

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If for some reason, you watch video game play throughs and reviews on YouTube, you likely know JonTron from his solo work or as part of Game Grumps. I know that he seems super young and I feel bad that I find him hot, but I still do. He wears a lot of open necked shirts.

Zach Galifianakis:

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Well, duh. By now, you knew his hot ass would be on the list.

Nick Offerman:

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I am not a huge fan of light eyes for reasons, but Nick Offerman is a legitimately handsome man who although he could have more body hair does have enough facial hair to overcome that obstacle and his relationship with his wife is charming.

Joaquin (he'll always be Leaf to me) Phoenix when he was doing his performance art:

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Another blue eyed man who makes the cut because of the beard.

Too old for me, but still yums: Brian Blessed, Robbie Coltrane as Hagrid (possibly too nice to sex), Raymond Burr, Orson Welles (the last 2 are technically too dead)

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Also rans (generally attractive, but not hairy enough): Graham Elliot, Greg Grunberg, Patton Oswalt

Too annoying to sex or too blonde or both: Jack Black, Nick Frost, Jonah Hill, Chris Farley, Seth Rogan

ETA: I also love Adam Richman from Man v. Food, but he lost a lot of weight lately. I liked him better before, but he is a fox either way.

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TL; DR: WillTheyorWon'tThey? loves dark bears.