Hey guys. I am back from my conference. I had a long talk with my boyfriend tonight and wanted to share the results with you guys.
I’m completely exhausted so I will spare you lots of gory details, but the essence is this: we had a long, emotional, tough talk about where we have both been at. Tears were shed by each of us and we both just admitted that we are really scared of being hurt or abandoned. Our fears are pretty much identical. We both said we are horrified at the thought of hurting each other, but I told him tonight that I would be okay if things have to end someday and if I get hurt in the process, because I truly want to know what it’s like to have real emotional intimacy with him, and I am okay with it being messy and imperfect. If we try to keep it neat and boxed in and safe, we will miss out on the one thing that both of our hearts are really desiring more than anything in the whole wide world which is to have a real, deep, loving, satisfying, committed relationship. I actually was able to tell him that I wanted the messy, hurting, imperfect him, not the false image of perfection/future therapist he tries to project, and he broke down into tears. It was really sweet and I am glad I had the guts to tell him that.
It was scary, because I basically had to be like “I want this to be real, messy, honest, and intimate, and not this sort of fake, scared, half-in half out thing that we have been dancing around for the last few weeks. I want this to have a real chance or I want us to walk away.” But, thankfully, he agreed with me completely and we committed to each other on that. Then we spent awhile talking about our fears, how we wanted to manage those, how to support each other, and what our individual needs are. My biggest thing is just to be heard and feel invested in by him and he just wanted me to reassure him and help him feel safe.
I am just blown away and really proud of both of us, but if I am being honest I am especially proud of myself. The thought of having this talk was scaring the ever loving shit out of me and I did it, I did it calmly, and I said exactly what I wanted while still being supportive.
He kissed me when he left and it was so passionate and fulfilling. Like, on a totally different level, because I could feel his emotions being finally let loose in that contact with me. I felt his intimacy. I felt us sharing that moment for real, and it just made my heart sing. I want more of this.