So I've been putting off this update. Mostly because Christmas #2 ended up being pretty anticlimactic but something is different between Mr. Haa and us. I don't know if he feels it too. If he does we've both done an excellent job of pretending nothing is wrong. I guess I'll just start from the beginning first and go from there.

So we left off with my BIL starting drama at my in law's house. His ex wife was on her way over to get their daughters so my other SIL could call the cops. Of course though once the cops were threatened to be called he backed down, got calm, and even talked with his sister for a couple hours. So they decided not to call the cops. As usual. At first when we heard this news Mr. Haa tried to play it off that it would be okay. I ended up breaking down and crying at him the he needed to choose his family for once over all the bullshit his parents and siblings have been bringing us. I mean I already was hosting Xmas with PPD and now this? I think this finally woke him up because they he got pissed. He called his other sister and told her what happened and that his brother was no longer welcome at Xmas and it was his parents problem telling him because they should have just called the cops and had them come take him away. His sister backed him up 100%, said she agreed with whatever we decided. His dad tried to get us to feel sorry for him because he had to break the news that BIL was uninvited. Oh boo fucking hoo.

The one thing I worried about was it being awkward with his daughters or having them be "mad at us" for what is going on. I guess they whined a bit in the car on the way over with their mom but they were great once they got to the house. They were excited about the 2 new babies and the oldest who is usually the brattiest kid I know was actually pleasant. It made me sad because I feel like their dad is pretty poisonous to them at this point. I'm a little bit angry that his ex continues to let him have visitation with them but I imagine she enjoys the break. I mean she's the parent 95% of the time. He's been getting scarier so I worry. Otherwise the night was great. I had a great time with Mr. Haa's sisters. Everyone gushed over Baby Haa and they made sure to clean up the kitchen before they left. Then Baby Haa went to bed and Mr. Haa and I had really hot Xmas sex on the couch. Afterwards though I was just extremely I don't know sad. I wasn't happy at least and I should have been. Everything had gone well, minimal stress, I orgasmed for the first time in a long time, Xmas with his family was over. What is wrong with me?

So the next day we had to drive to my hometown to spend Xmas with my grandma and mom. And the entire way there we are fighting about dumb shit. He's getting pissed and screaming about the fact that the last time his car was in for an oil change they didn't put in the windshield wiper fluid with antifreeze in it so he can't clean off the windshield when we're driving. I mean it's a valid thing to get angry about. It's not okay to rant about it for twenty minutes, agree that you overreacted but get it in at the end that you have every right to be pissed about it. I finally had enough and begged him to see a therapist to get his anger under control. He said to me "Any idiot can handle a crisis, it's the little things that drive people insane." Um, no. He is great under pressure, like when his dad was shitting blood on the toilet from a bleeding ulcer during his cancer treatment and he had to call the ambulance. But the snow blower won't start on the first few tries and he's pissed for hours. I tell him he needs help to get his anger under control and he told me "just let me try to be better on my own first." Ugh. I am guessing he thinks the therapy won't help and that he just hasn't wanted to get better bad enough. That's really not how it works. So I don't know how much to prod him. He's open to seeing a couples counselor so maybe I should just start there.

We both have things to work on. I am getting help now and honestly as I sit next to Baby Haa on the couch I feel such a love for this little person we created. I want to be the best I can be for her. I want my husband to be the best he can be for us. I just wish I wasn't feeling so alone right now. It's been pleasant. We've been a loving couple again. We've been a little family. I don't want to rock the boat but I can't shake my unhappiness either. I feel like I'm living a lie. Any advice appreciated (except get a divorce I'm not ready to entertain that yet).