So as some of you may remember, my grandfather had heart surgery in January. He’s had a hard time recovering (he’s 85 years old just for reference) and I’m finding out that at least a portion of it is because he hasn’t been following the aftercare instructions.

My mom told me today that he’s refused to go to cardiac rehab which was the plan post surgery. There was a similar situation immediately after his procedure- he refused to keep his feet elevated per the doctor’s instructions, and he wouldn’t use his compression socks either, which were necessary for increasing his circulation. I think he eventually succumbed to sitting in my moms’s recliner once his legs started aching and going cold as a result, but it was a fight getting there.

He keeps getting more lethargic and lower in energy and strength, but he insists to my mother that he’s fine. She lives with him, so obviously she’s observing that that’s just not true. My mom drove him up here to the town where my cousin and I both live about a week ago - they got out to my cousin’s house which is on the other side of town, about a 15 minute drive from me, and left before I could even get there because grandpa was so tired.

My mom and aunt made him an appointment with a doctor to see about getting him assessed again but he cancelled it while my mom was at work one day. She’s frustrated and doesn’t know what to do if he keeps insisting he’s fine- I’ve told her she can’t force him to do anything but I also suggested that she reach out to the heart hospital and see if there’s a social worker or patient liaison or some kind that can give her some advice or support on what to do.

It’s frustrating. He gets so dug in and stubborn whenever anybody tries to tell him what to do, and of course we can’t force him to get treatment if he adamantly refuses...but also why did he consent to go through with the surgery if he’s not going to follow through on what’s necessary to get the most out of it? I don’t know. I’m planning on driving down to check on him this weekend. Maybe I can talk to him in person and see what’s going on.

Re: moving. I’ve wanted to move out of Texas at the end of the year, but after looking at my finances and being this unsure of my grandpa’s condition, I’m considering looking for a better job here so I can save some more money and be on better financial and personal footing before I go. I’m struggling to save more than $100, if I’m lucky 200 a month with my current earnings, and my student loan repayment is also about to start up this summer. I think this move is going to easily run me a few thousand with transport and the cost of setting up new living arrangements, and I’m not confident I’ll get there by the end of the year. I’m going to do whatever I can to keep my expenses down and start back on the job hunt and maybe things will shift around enough for me to look at moving in a year or 18 months.

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I’m still waiting on my full test results back from the obgyn- I’m annoyed, because I called this morning to check on them and was told that everything came back normal, so I asked if I needed to schedule another visit, if none of my test results indicated why my periods have been so hellish. They had a nurse call me back later, and she said that actually, the only test that had come back was insulin, which is within the normal range, but we are still waiting on....blood glucose, estrogen, progesterone, testosterone, kidney/liver, pcos, and cholesterol. Cool. Nothing like relief followed by the immediate re-introduction of anxiety, looooool.

The insulin numbers are actually on the high end of normal, not pre-diabetic but on the upper end of normal. I know I’ve been eating a butt ton of carbs and more sugar that is really good for me (yay stress eating) and being sedentary so I’m going to cut back on that stuff and hopefully it’ll come down some. I feel like I’ve been saying that here for months but I’m getting really tired of feeling sluggish and gross all the time. I hurt my leg a few months back and that knocked me off my regular walking routine, and to be honest...it’s just way easier to eat like crap when I’m depressed and lay on my couch and not go out or exercise. I want to show myself some grace and not beat myself up for being in a low place, but I also know that I will feel better if I do even one of the things that I know will be better for my health...ie eating better even a few days a week to start, walking once or twice a week or cleaning my apartment to music when I get home, instead of having a glass of wine and then watching tv while I stare at my phone every single night. Wish me luck. I’ve been in a hole for awhile and I want to get better at self-care. It’s been a struggle for a long time for me...like I don’t feel like I’m worth it, but I’m the only one who can do it, and I want to treat myself better.

Thanks for reading.