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Update on my post from last night - I ended up succumbing to the urge to send an email to my ex an email. Here is what it said, names redacted:

I want to make it clear that I don't want you to ever email me again or call me again with the kind of query you had on Saturday. I am not a support system for you. I am not a source of free legal advice. I am fine with exchanging pleasantries with you occasionally. I spoke to you yesterday because I could tell that you were panicked, but honestly, also in part because I was nosy and was hoping to get a bit of schadenfreude. I didn't, because unfortunately for me, I don't actually enjoy when people are sad and stressed out. I'm kind of pissed at myself about that.

I do not have warm feelings about you. I am over whatever happened between us, but it doesn't mean that I have to be your friend. Your request that I call you and your request that I research the ____ issue were more like demands, and that is why I'm emailing you this now. If I had told you repeatedly that you were unloveable, or that you were pathetic for wanting even a birthday card, or broken up with you via a single sentence email, then you would be pissed, and you'd rightfully think that you didn't owe me shit. I don't wish you ill, I don't hate you, but I don't owe you shit. So don't ask me.

I'm sorry that you are stressed and in pain, truly. I hope _____ is able to help you. But I won't answer again if you email me or call me a demand for help. I don't owe you that.


His response was exactly as I imagined it would be, pretending like he had no idea I didn't want to be friends with him. This, of course, enraged me, given that the last time I saw him I said to him, and I quote, "FUCK YOU. I can't believe you. FUCK YOU." And then I followed up with an email to tell him I am not interested in being friends with him. So I emailed him a second time to say basically, "Yes, you knew. You knew because I told you. When I said I didn't want to talk to you because it makes me feel bad... that wasn't clear? Don't answer that. Just take me out of your contacts."

I just went back and found the email I sent a couple of years ago... it was pretty fucking clear:

I should probably tell you this over coffee or something, but I'm not. I just can't be friends with you and hang out. It's not that I wish you ill or anything, but I gave it a year and I still feel bad about myself when I am around you. I'm sure it's partially the way I take what you say, but it's also that your jokes are often way more cutting than they are funny. I understand that you saying "Fuck that guy" after I said that [my then boyfriend, now fiance] doesn't want to meet any of my exes was intended to be a joke, but it wasn't funny. It was rude. Do you really think it's a good idea or amusing to say "fuck that guy" about a person that you know a friend loves dearly? I can affirm that it's not.

I don't have room in my life for people who make me feel shitty. I also don't want a dialogue about this, because I have thought a long time about whether I am the problem here or not. I came to the conclusion that even if I am, it doesn't matter. I just can't spend any more time analyzing whether I am too sensitive after I end up feeling bad after talking to you. The bottom line is that I feel bad.

I'm not sending this email to make you feel bad. If it has that effect, I'm sorry. That's obviously a feeling I hate having myself. I just mean to be honest. I don't want to make up dumb excuses about why I can't get together when the real reason is that it causes me anxiety. I do hope, earnestly, that your ____ turns out well and that you find it more fulfilling than your time at ______ has been. And that you're happy. Good luck.


SO MANY BLOCKINGS. I am blocking this fucker. I can't tell him anymore not to contact me! I've already said it kindly and succinctly twice.

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