Spoiler! I still downloaded Tinder today. Onto the story for anyone who's interested.
Monday was really harsh, too many feels, I felt guilty. So I texted (x)boyfriend to ask him how he was doing. During the night I got a load of messages back, the core of which was 'I'm doing awful but I havent treated you well enough these last months and I really dont want to give this up, not because I was used to you but because you're the most perfect person in the world and I need to make you feel as such' Well okay then.
I sent him a long e-mail last night in which I explained that it wasn't just the lack of fun the last few months but how he wanted everything on his terms, all the time, from the start. How I wanted a joyful, open, socially aware, relaxed and sometimes adventurous life but that I felt held back by him, unhappy with him. About how we were too different (me emotional, him not) etc. How although vacation-him was open, agreeable, a partner and communicative, reallife-him never was or had been. He was a mean old grump who hated everything and I couldn't count on and I was sick of that. I figured he deserved to know since I know had the words to explain it. It wasn't meant to be.
He called me just as I was sending the e-mail. I told him to read the e-mail and he did then called me again asking me to answer. We didn't talk about the e-mail right away because there had been a break in, of 2 apartments in our building, the third in 6 days. He was changing the locks and wanted me to know about that. Then we talked. He agreed that he'd become that way, we'd always joked how he was a grumpy old man and he bought into it, turned into it. How he was afraid of so much and this informed most of his decisions. He didn't want to be that way, he wanted to be open, like me. Because it was part of what he loved about me and it killed him to think that I couldn't be myself anymore because of him. That I deserved to feel happy and free. He agreed that he'd made me do almost everything on his terms and he didn't want to be that way.
I suggested to him many times to work on that, for himself. He said he was going to. We agreed to meet next week on saturday. I told him I am not coming home and I still don't think it'll lead to anything. I love him and I miss a lot but he's turned into such a meanspirited person. I deserve someone loving, warm and cheerful. If he can become that, for himself, then sure.
I'll send him another message tonight to tell him three things. We are still broken up and I'm going to build up my life, finding living space for myself and just moving on. That if he wants to change, get over his fear of looking like a fool he should do so. For him. Not for me. And if he does want to change, he needs to stop looking for excuses for why he does or doesn't do things. I've spent the last year or two getting over my own fears in life, excuses don't help. We can stay in touch, but we won't be together unless, in time, I can see that he's changed AND I fall in love with him again. I might meet someone else in the meantime. That's reality.
In any case I feel tremendously relieved. So much was left unsaid, so much he didn't realise. I've been happy most of the day, I feel less locked to him then I did before. Even though I was far away and out of touch, I still felt strangled by it, by the relationship and breakup. I was finally ready to tell some colleagues today. They were sympathetic and sweet, very surprised by how upbeat and cheerful I was despite it all. And I really was, quite the opposite from the last two days.
So this morning I downloaded Tinder.
Just for a laugh.
And a laugh it's been!
My favorite: a man with this big round belly that he'd painted a bright red spiral on. I couldn't see his face because it was covered by what looked like a wig and a wizarding hat. My hat's off to you sir! Color me impressed ;)
Now, to boldly go forward in the single world I've never been in before. Onwards!