TW: ED, depression, and a request

Thanks everyone, for all the help and advice you gave me yesterday. It really helped give me the courage to show it to the Captain, also show him the trigger that started it, and we had a long talk.

The bad news? I burst into tears and said, "I don't know how to stop hurting myself."

The good news? I finally admitted that out loud.

I managed to eat a bowl of vegan chili with a scoop of nonfat Greek yogurt. I also had two pieces of toast with butter, but I hate that I did that! Argggg...I immediately felt like a weak loser for caving to bread and butter. I wanted to throw it up (I didn't), but I still feel guilty about it today.


So far I've eaten a banana and had a cup of coffee, plus my liter and a half of water (I drink one in the morning and one in the afternoon). I still don't want to eat. At all. Plus, some of my old pain and muscles spasms related to some muscle damage I sustained during my lovely 2nd near death experience with endocarditis has started acting up, making me want to eat even less, because the pain is so bad.

Cap wants me to tell him what I'm eating everyday, but I already know I'd lie to him so he doesn't worry. I need someone to help keep me honest and I don't want anyone in my life to know what's going on, because I really can't take more weight and food talk to my face.

I'm calling therapist my regular doc referred me to, but there's no guarantee she's accepting new patients or that she takes my insurance. I...I'm afraid to call anyone else, because I don't even know who I should call, or if I'm just blowing this out of proportion, being over dramatic, and should shut up.