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I had a terrible last week in terms of therapy goals. I'm trying really hard to go easy on myself but I can't help like feeling that I'll be showing up to class without my homework on Thursday when I see my therapist. How have I messed up this past week? Let me count the ways:

  • I smoked way too much pot, way too often.
  • I napped most of my evenings away, waking up about a half hour before peep needed to go to bed so less than average interaction.
  • I haven't taken my anti-anxiety meds in about a week. First I ran out, then I kept putting off going to the pharmacy, now I have them and still haven't taken one. Also haven't been regularly taking my anti-depressant in about a week. I can tell. But I don't care.

I do have positives from this last week don't get me wrong. Big bird and I had a good communication week. Our sex life has been pretty hot and heavy the last two weeks. Which has made me feel really close and in tune with him. I think he's been letting me off the hook on some of the other things because of it though which probably isn't fair. My self-loathing hasn't been sky high the entire time. In fact, my bikini came and I feel pretty okay with how I look in it. This was not something I was expecting so I'm taking it as positive.

My biggest problem is pulling myself out of a funk. Once I realized I screwed up I tend to just say fuck it and give up right away. What's the point now? I already messed up so this week's out. Not a helpful attitude. Step 1 will be to get back to taking my meds regularly, cutting back on the pot and no more naps that interfere with family time. I'm starting to really question if my difficulty with all of this is simply because I am being a selfish brat who is unwilling to change my lifestyle. Am I just rebelling against this mommy role I find myself in? Those are the questions that really hurt to think about. So I do what I do best. I avoid them.

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