(these all have to do with the Disney movie, btw.)

How does the person-to-furniture transformation work? Does it go by body shape, or utensil the person used the most as a human, or is it arbitrary whether you end up as a cup or a feather duster? Or is it just that the enchantress was a massive punster and thought she couldn’t possibly pass up the chance to literally turn Lumiere into light?

Also, were all the items that displayed signs of sentience once human? I am watching the “Be Our Guest” clip and if every single one of those dancing plates and spoons was once a servant, THAT IS A SHIT TON OF PEOPLE TO HAVE AROUND THE PALACE TO SERVE ONE GUY FOOD. That is roughly a thousand people??????? All in the kitchen????????? How big is the kitchen??????? How did they fit 1000+ people into the Beast’s palace for food needs alone????????????????

Advertisement

This leads to more questions. If all the sentient items were all once human, what decrees how many human features you get to keep? Cogsworth gets arms, legs, a working face, and even something like a mustache, while Chip gets only a face (though some other cups don’t), and the Beast’s valet—who you’d think would be of higher status than the cook’s boy—doesn’t get a face at all, just moving arms. And any person turned into dishware? Nothing. No arms, no eyes, no faces, they have no mouths and they must scream. Instead they sing about napkins and tote mashed potatoes around for Belle.

If the sentient, faceless items weren’t once human, and the enchantress just made them able to dance and sing because WHY NOT, then what happens when everything turns back to normal? Is there a moment of calm where the salt shakers hold their loved ones before fading back to mute and blind metal? Can the creamer feel its sense of self slowly slip away? Does Mrs. Potts spend one day in the kitchen just slowly touching each dead item, whispering its name?

Advertisement

And since most of the larger furniture items in the Beast’s palace are sentient, does this mean that the palace was practically empty until the enchantress turned everybody into useful domestic items? Was she actually doing a good deed to the Beast by cutting down on the need for paid human staff and saving him a trip to Ikea? Why would you turn the whole palace into objects, while leaving the one guy at fault in semi-human form? Wouldn’t it make more sense to relegate the person you’re cursing to footstool status, and let everybody else go on to find gainful employment in human form?

And speaking of returning to human form (this is the last one, I promise): how does that go? Do people need to remember how to walk? I mean, obviously the learning curve wouldn’t be as steep as it was for the first transformation (I keep myself happy by imagining Lumiere lighting things on fire accidentally), but since the curse has lasted for 10 years, Chip has undoubtedly spent more of his lifespan as a teacup than as a human (and that’s if you don’t get into the whole messy business of considering whether he might have been literally born as a cup). Do they now need to buy all the furniture they no longer are? Do they ever buy stuff and wonder if it was once human? What about that trunk that eats a guy during the battle scene and licks its lips? Who was that, anyway?

Advertisement

These are the questions that keep me from getting on with my life.