Oh Jezzies, my Jezzies, I need your help. I am feeling pretty low and I need some help lifting myself up.
I have lived in my new city/ country for 3 years and it has been so hard. To recap, I was fired from my job less than a month after arriving (a job that moved to this country for), which started a downward spiral that resulted in homelessness and me sleeping in an unheated garage during the winter.
Now, the city that I am in is a very rich city and classist and my self-esteem has taken a major beating. I have a job and a place to live. But I feel like I am fairly low on the social totem pole. I gained some weight during this highly stressful time, which does not help. And I dated a guy who literally took care of me during this dark time, but never actually made me his girlfriend. He even hid some of the things I left at his house because he didn’t want his mother to ask questions.
There were times during my homelessness where I felt like a prostitute because I knew the only reason I had a warm safe place to stay was because I was a physically attractive (although chubby) woman that a guy wanted to sleep with.
I’ve finally found some stability, so I’ve attempted to stick my toes in the dating pool. At first I thought I only wanted sex. So I slutted it up with Tinder. And then I quit it when I had enough. I felt horny again but didn’t want to go through Tinder trials, so I tried Ok Cupid. And I’ve slutted it up again. But something is different. During a hookup with a beautiful man, I mentioned that my confidence has taken a hit since moving here and it made me realize that I was sleeping with guys in an attempt to gain the validation I lost during my dark times. I feel like no guy will want me for more than sex. So I fuck and fuck and fuck and leave with a wanting feeling. This weekend, I spent literally all day sending sexually explicit images and even video to a guy from OK Cupid who I haven’t even met in person and I have doubts that he even wants to. I messaged him just now and wanted to cry when I saw that he had been online since I sent my message, he just didn’t respond.
How do I crawl out of this unhealthy pattern? I’ve never used sex for validation before and I am sad that I feel so low that I’ve corrupted an activity that I onced viewed with so much joy. I want to erase my dating profiles, again, but I know I will turn to them again when my physical desires flare up. So if there is anyone out there in this electronic abyss that can help, I would really appreciate your advice. I’m going to head to bed to stop thinking about this because I have a tendency to overthink things and work myself up.