This is a post about an issue I'm having with GreenHunk, but actually on the whole things are going better between us. We probably have more serious discussions than he would like, and I still feel like there's some weirdness there at times, but we haven't had an argument in the sense of anything that devolved into anger, blame, or yelling for a couple months now. Which is awesome. But there's this one thing that I think is at the root of everything that's left.

Sometime in the course of the last year (2014 sucked for us, honestly, just the whole fucking year), we developed this pattern where I pursue and he retreats. I'm not a subtle person - I'm very emotions on my sleeve, deal with things up front by talking about them and then I'm over them. He's the opposite of that. He's an internal processor and usually doesn't like to talk until he's already figured something out. He tends to avoid conflict or anything he perceives as negative emotions that he doesn't understand. As in, he's really compassionate when I'm sad about my sister, but he's baffled and tends to retreat when I'm triggered by something he did. We know this is an issue and we've talked about it. We both want to fix it. I know he is trying, at least where he knows how.

But like...okay so last night we went out to dinner after Muay Thai and he was on his phone, on Facebook, the whole. fucking. time. Like I think he said 3 sentences to me. I know he didn't mean to be rude, he was just tired and hungry. But the thing is, it hurt my feelings. This is a problem we've had throughout our relationship - not the phone in particular, just that a lot of times I feel...taken for granted or ignored. In situations like this, I always have really strong feelings (stronger than the situation deserves, honestly) of abandonment and loneliness. And from my perspective, the fix is so simple. All I need is reassurance and overt communication: a hug, a warm "I love you," and then the explanation, "Hey, I'm just tired right now and don't want to talk, I'm just going to be on Facebook." But when I try to communicate what I need, I feel like I hit the same wall over and over: I think he feels like there's too much criticism and negativity over little things when he's trying, and he's tired of it. I don't really blame him, but my other option is to just sit there and experience my own negative feelings of abandonment without saying anything about them. I'm not scared of doing this anymore. It takes a conscious effort, because I'm the kind of person who talks about my feelings, but I know nothing bad is going to happen to me. The problem is that he is really sensitive to negative feelings and usually immediately knows something is off. So he'll either ask me about it, leading to the same conversation he doesn't want to have, or he won't but he'll feel weird that I'm feeling weird and will want to avoid me even though I'm trying not to cause drama, which often leads to an intensification of my feelings and makes them last up to several days or whenever he finally stops avoiding me.

I'm just so tired of having this happen. I'm tired of feeling like a kid in a stupid high school movie who holds their hand up for a high five and the other person just walks past them without noticing. I'm tired of trying to explain it to him: to me it's just such a simple thing to fix, but every time it comes up he listens without saying anything, negative or positive, and then if I ask, "well, what do you think?" he says "I'm listening, but I thought you were just venting," and it's soooo frustrating because I was not just venting! I was trying to be understood. I want him to get it. Or, in lieu of that, to figure out a way to just not have any emotions about it when it feels to me like he's ignoring me.

I'm not sure why I'm telling you guys this. Because, I guess, I hope someone will get it, even if he doesn't.