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​Vanquishing the dragon

The peep finally got her 6 month vaccinations yesterday. She was on steroids during her 6 month appointment and developed at fever the night before her rescheduled appointment. I wanted to make sure we got these in before we travelled with her to Charlotte. She was a real trooper. Stopped crying almost immediately after the shots and was her smiley self before we left the appointment. We weighed her. I always get really anxious before we weigh her, calculating in my head what I think she "should" weigh. She's at 16 pounds 1.5 oz. Phew! This keeps her right around the 20-25thpercentile. I wonder if I'll ever stop worrying about her weight because of how traumatizing trying to get her to gain with breastfeeding was.

Like a lot of babies she was feverish and fussy most of the day yesterday. Big bird and I were giving her more attention than we usually have to most nights. We were all cuddling on the couch with the peep in my husband's lap. Suddenly she starts whining and reaching for me. At first I didn't quite process what this meant. Luckily big bird was on top of it and he handed her over to me. "She wants her mama tonight." She immediately snuggled into my chest and wrapped her arms around me. It's hard to describe how I felt in that moment. I do know that it felt right. And I felt like her mother. I didn't think about the postpartum depression or my anxiety or worry I wouldn't know what to do. I honestly never thought I would feel this way. I really think the fog is lifting and my PPD is on its way out the door. Now that doesn't mean I don't still have depression and anxiety and I will probably be seeing my therapist for a while yet. I can't help but think back to October/November/December when I was deep in the throes of my ppd and how so many of you were there from me. I reread some of my pieces and I think, I don't even recognize that person. I just wanted to share some good things with and remind myself why I love this community so much. <3


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