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Various musings on my current life

So, two weeks ago, my boyfriend of over seven years ended everything. It crushed me. My feelings for him hadn’t wavered even though I knew his had for me. I still kept thinking maybe he would realize what he was losing. Eight days after the official break up, I found out that he had already kissed someone else. That, coupled with the fact that he had been asking to be best friends throughout that time, made me realize that the man that I loved had been replaced by an evil idiot. Maybe I never loved a real person. Maybe I feel for a charade that he had played for me.

I am talking more to my real friends more. Texting and facebooking a bunch. The day after I found out about the kiss, I hung out with a cousin for three hours. Picking up various new hobbies too! Reading Scalia dissentions. Listening to bhangra music. Reading books that suit my mood. I also began taking antidepressants. I got an egoboost from okcupiding.

My trust is very low though. He wasn’t just my boyfriend. We were best friends in the beginning and middle. He was what got me through when my dad would be a mean drunk. Now I don’t have that.


And why? Because he couldn’t communicate well with me. Because he wanted to drive me away more than fix anything. Because he chose an easy new relationship over doing any hard work.

At the time that I found out about the kiss, I was wavering between illwill and wanting him to be happy. That waver is over. Now it is between illwill and wanting to forget he ever existed. I am glad that I know what happened though. He has been talking to her since June. There are some things that I csn revise in my head due to that. Things that got close to gaslighting. I feel saner now.

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