Y'all, I've had a crappy week. And it's only Tuesday. I'm kind of in that curl up in a ball and sob space, but I have to keep it together.
The Separated Asshole has really been earning his name. He is sending texts that are clearly trying to get me to fight with him, and I'm not responding, but that doesn't make them less hurtful or ruin my day less.
The council that makes decisions for the church has decided to form a committee to restructure my position. I've known from about the second week in that my job description was a thing of fantasy and that there was no way to really be effective under the structure I was given. Well, they've finally figured it out, too. The only reason they have taken this long to do something is because they really, really, really like me, and restructuring the position will inevitably mean letting me go. They can't afford to make it full-time, and reducing the areas of responsibility will also involve a huge reduction in salary, so bye-bye Shiny. Granted, this will take months, but still. I just signed a lease on an apartment and left my husband (who is really being a dick about it) and can't afford any kind of instability or joblessness. Especially when you get no unemployment benefits if you're laid off from a church. (Gotta love that shit, yes?) And in the meantime, I have to smile and be cheerful and professional while my entire life crumbles around me.
But there are some bright spots.
1) Seconds after I got the news about the upcoming restructuring of my position, my boss got a request from a church member (someone who thinks I am the bee's knees) for ANYONE who is qualified to teach 1st grade as the private school where her grandkids go is in dire need. Hey, guess who is technically qualified but not legally qualified, so she could teach in a private school but not a public one? Yup, your very own Shiny! So I faxed my resume, and name-dropped the church member, and I have an interview tomorrow and the guy seemed really anxious to talk to me. So, maybe? It would be a real full-time position with actual benefits and would give me the opportunity to start working on a Masters. So, this could be really great. But it's a religious private school, and fairly conservative, if not scary conservative, so I would have to do A LOT of biting my tongue and deep breathing. But, hey, so I do it for a few years, get my teaching certification re-issued, start work on a Masters, and get a position in a public school when one comes up. I can deal with a shortened tongue for that. Maybe I can even find a few ways to minister to the poor benighted conservatives as I go.
2) If I'm no longer working with Schroeder, well..... BUT. I'm shy. He's shy. I know me, and know that I won't be able to say anything before I leave, and I'LL NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN AND NOW I'M CRYING.
3) The guy who has been working on fixing my doorknobs is really cute. And has a nice smile. And seemed to hang around longer than necessary? Perhaps I'm not a hideous troll? There are more fish in the sea, blah, blah, whatever.
Partly, right now, I'm exhausted. I haven't slept much the past several nights (anybody else out there feel like their insomnia relates to their menstrual cycle? Anybody? Bueller?) and I'm definitely in a down-swing in the depression department (not a major thing, just my monthly "Nobody loves me I have no friends people only put up with me because they have to and as soon as that's no longer necessary they breathe a sigh of relief" phase — it would be easier to get through if SOMEBODY hadn't systematically removed all local friends from my life so that I was totally reliant on him. Now, I just don't have anyone locally that I can just call up and hang out with. It's pathetic. And I really want to see World's End and don't have anyone to go see it with.
OK, pity party done. Granny Weatherwax would not be having with that, and neither will I.
I will get this job tomorrow. And if I don't, I'm subbing for an open music teaching position all next week. No, my license isn't up-to-date, but impress the principal enough and there are ways around that. Not many, and they become fewer every year, but there are ways. And if not that, there are other jobs out there. Full-time jobs. With benefits. I have connections, and people I can talk to.
Schroeder is NOT the only available man on this earth or in this town. If it's meant to be, it will be. If not, then not. Move on.
I am going to go to bed and cuddle with a very cute and sweet little boy who loves me unconditionally and relies on me and believes in me wholeheartedly. I will get loads of good sleep. After I put the clothes in the dryer.
Every day brings me one day closer to complete autonomy from Separated Asshole.