this post will most likely self destruct by midnight. Spacer
So I was sexually abused as a child over a period of time by an immediate family member. Many of you may recall other posts and comments on this subject. My family was not supportive and did not cope heathfully at the time. I played their game for fifteen or so years, pretending to the best of my ability everything was fine. Well there came a time when I realized the silence was eating me apart inside and manifesting itself in all sorts of other ways. In October I informed my immediate family, though not the abuser directly, I wished to no longer have any contact with the abuser anymore.
Since this statement, more abuse by this person has come to light. Meaning I was not the only victim. :( my family did honor My request to have no contact, though my relationship with them has of course has been....... Strained, weird. Hard, triggering... Since then.
Flash forward to tonight. I get an email from the abuser, stating he is sorry blah blah blah can we meet? Blah blah blah.
I feel empty, angry, sad... And once again, completely lacking any agency. Where the fuck does this asshole get off emailing me to say he’s sorry????? I just feel like damn. Slap across the face. I don’t really know how to explain it. I feel numb. It’s not fair!!
I deleted the email and then deleted it from trash immediately without responding. Deleting it felt satisfying, lol. What do I do? I know I don’t have to forgive. But what? Where to I go from here???
If you made it this far, THANK YOU. It means a lot. I’m a numb wreck right now and needed to type this all out. Again I will be deleting this later out of feelings of paranoia. And also feelings of shame and guilt for sharing. :-|
Update: THANK YOU. I mean it guys. Really. Your kind words, reassuring comments, helpful suggestions, Sharing in my anger, and overall awesome support. It means a lot. Know that even if I did not reply to you directly, I have read and soo so so appreciate all your kind words. I'm tired and hoping to sleep for a bit with NO NIGHTMARES (fingers crossed please!!) and go to yoga early in the morning. <3<3<3 hugs, so many hugs.