This summer has sucked a bag of dicks and I am really ready for it to be fall, just in hopes that I will be turning a page into a new chapter of my life.
I have been really fighting not beating myself up lately or taking on guilt for stuff that isn’t really mine to carry. I just miss my ex so much that it’s making me sick and it’s literally taking every ounce of effort that I have just to get up and go to work and do extremely basic things. I’m not particularly close with anybody I work with with the exclusion of one woman who is about ten years older than me. I can’t really open up to anybody at work about my personal life just from a professionalism standpoint and also because most of them are between 19 and 21 and extremely immature. The most frequent morning shift lead cannot stand me for the simple fact that I haven’t taken shit from her from day one. She’s 20 or 21, and is one of those people who needs a lot of attention and accolades but doesn’t want to do anything to earn them and gets off on ordering people around while she sits on her ass. Also, she’s kind of a dithering moron and I’ve always been bad at suffering fools quietly. She’s selfish, she plays favorites, she doesn’t do her shift duties, she gives things away to her friends for free (big no no in company policy). I’ve talked to the assistant manager and the store manager about it a number of times and nothing gets done. I can’t figure out what else to do outside of just gritting my teeth and dealing with it for the next four months until I move out of Dallas to go back to school.
I don’t sleep well. My appetite is shaky at best, my skin has freaked out into this horrible rash/dermatitis thing all over my face which I am really self conscious about and I can’t wear makeup without irritating it. I feel tired, gross, and unattractive. I just try to trudge through the work day so I can come home and turn my brain off to netflix or a book or something. I know I am doing things right as far as feeling my feelings until I eventually don’t feel them anymore, but goddammit I would kill for just a tiny bright spot. Heartbreak at the hands of my best friend, someone I trusted and adored more than just about anyone after going through a horrible bout of sickness was enough on my plate, thanks. I do not want to be wading through these my-aunt-just-attempted-suicide-feelings too. She was a terrible person to me throughout basically my whole childhood and early adulthood. She told me my mother should have aborted me and that I was unwanted, and that she knew there was something really wrong and bad about me from the time that I was 5 years old. One time, on a family vacation when I was 10 or 11 I forgot my swimsuit in the back of the car inside my suitcase and I remember her telling me she wished she could kill me and that she should have never invited me to come. It’s taken years of therapy and hard work to deal with those voices she installed in my head, but having the entire family’s attention zeroed back in on her with no one stepping up to the plate to hold her truly accountable or get her help has pushed “play” on some of those memories.
I fight calling up my ex a lot. I don’t think it would even help me at all to hear his voice right now but some small part of me wishes I knew if he cares at all or if he’s thought any about me and what happened between us. Underneath all of the anger, sadness, and betrayal, I still love him deeply and wish more than anything that I could talk to him on some days. I don’t know what I would have given just to have him be here to hug me when I found out about what my aunt did. But I don’t even know if it will ever be possible to have him in my life without me feeling some sort of longing, and I can’t put myself through that. Somedays I just wish I could hit rewind and go back to the days when things were good and I felt so much promise and hope for us. And I feel like I’m still taunted by things that were left unsaid. A few days after we split, he sent me a long text saying that he was realizing how much of a mistake he’d made and that he was incredibly angry at himself for choosing to not be vulnerable and real with me, and that he had a lot he wanted to tell me whenever I was ready to hear it. I wrote back and said I’d be willing to talk at some point but that I had a lot of hurt and anger I needed to cycle through before I would feel comfortable doing so, and that I needed for him to give me space until I came to him. Now I’m in a place where I’m still really hurting but I have moved through some of the grieving (definitely not all of it) and I feel really unresolved. I know they say closure is sort of a myth in situations like this and I believe that. I’m still in love with him. I don’t even know what my end game would be in trying to talk to him right now. I have a lot of mixed emotions.
So yeah. That’s essentially where I’m at. Time to cry some of this out and maybe force myself to get on the treadmill for awhile.