Hey y'all. I have to watch this shit show for work and tweet/FB crap like 'OMG doesn't @taylorswift look GORGEOUS! #vmas #soexcited.'
Please live blog here with me so I don't kill myself.
ETA: I'll be incorporating your best most awesome quips/comments from down below. So thoughts/jokes/relevant gifs—-I KNOW YOU HAZ THEM. Like this awesomeness:
Via Fluterdale— This entire thread would be better with a twerking dog ... which of course I happen to have.
SO BRING IT ON!
7:00 p.m. Blah, blah, blah Miley is wearing something something . I love Miley. But dragging the obligatory rapper with you everywhere and everything for CRED is getting tiring.
7:02 p.m. Someone British is talking. Who the hell is this? She seems very nice. Does she sing or something. #worstVMAlivebloggerever
7:05 Does Robin Thicke ever wear anything besides a suit and popped collar with no tie?
7:07 Lady Gaga channeling and S&M Morticia Adams. OK.
7:10 Wait—this is just the pre-show? And it's a fucking hour long? ARE YOU FOR REAL? What the fuck! I have to watch people walk around and talk to the idiots who work at MTV for another 50 minutes? This is waterboarding Gitmo shit right here.
7:13 Was Justin Timberlake talking about his Video Vanguard award or did his grandmother just die? He sounds positively devastated.
7:15 DAMN they don't even present the Rock video live on the show? All the rock bands get is some dopey hipster rattling off the nominees and lazily tearing open the album? Also-MUMFORD AND SONS WAS A NOMINEE? That's how low rock has fallen, eh? Whatevs. We'll always have this.
7:17 'BEEF TWERKY' NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. No. Absolutely not. I get one MTV Bullshit Veto per airing of the VMAs and I'm going to have to use it now.
7:23 Hahahah Austin Mahoney gets relegated to the shitty pre-show performance card hahahahaha. #sorrybro
7:25 Via Bearslovehoney: I might have to stop watching if this features much more in the way of teenagers lypsynching in a leftover costume from Logan's Run and a Tocque.
7:28 MTV vj: 'WHAT DO YOU THINK SO FAR BROOKLYN?' Brooklyn: Pfft. Whatever. Stupid. *rolls eyes, casually slinks closer to guard rail to get better look at Taylor Swift*
7:30 Via Bearslovehoney I might have to stop watching if this features much more in the way of teenagers lypsynching in a leftover costume from Logan's Run and a Tocque.
7:35 'I called my album prism because I let the light in and wanted to let the light shine and darkness and unpredictablity' KATY PERRY WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
7:37 Oh no! Selena Gomez's hair ate the right side of her face! Poor thing!
7:40 What the hell was that promo? So much bad animal print and neon. Why are you fucking up my beloved Beastie Boys whyyyyyyyy? WHY IS THERE A TIGER IN THIS?
7:45 My lifemate, Loni Manderson just walked in and said 'VMAs? Oh I can watch this with you.' [35 seconds later] 'Nope. Fedoras. Fuck it, I'm out.' I am officially on my own.
Going to get some wine guise, BRB.
8:00 SHIT IS ABOUT TO GET REAL. GAGA SHOW OPENER. BEHOLD.
8:05 OK. So that was. Lady Gaga. OK.
8:06 The harbingers of the Apocalypse have taken the stage to promote their overthrowing of the angels of Heaven and the unleashing of the demons of Gehenna onto the mortal coil. ETA: Oh my bad, you guise. That's just One Direction! Sorry, I get them confused with the Four Horseman all the time. #corrections
8:09 Congratulations to Selena Gomez for winning 'Best Whatever Isn't This All Pop Music Video Award,' the first of the night. Cut to Taylor Swift pretending to be happy for her.
8:15 Miley and Robin Thicke are doing a thing together I guess. It involves Teddy Bears. She is wearing a bathing suit thing with teddy bear ears forming the boob cups to cover her breasts. And gold granny panties under the whole thing. And she's shoving her face in the exaggerated bottoms of African American ladies. How is this not a metaphor for all of America right now?
8:17 PLEASE someone gif Drake's reaction to this PLEAZZZZZZ!!!!
8:24 "I like this Macklemore fellow! In the midst of all these 'rappers' there's something so reassuring about him. I'm glad he is winning all these awards and is so successful. It makes me so peaceful and comforted knowing that someone like him is a prominent face in this genre. I can't explain what it is. I mean, I hate all the other rappers and think they are quite menacing and threatening and I would not let my children listen to them. But I don't feel that way at all about this guy! I could watch him all day! I think I'll give him more money. Such a catchy song, too! Hmm. I can't put my finger on it. I wonder what it could be....."
8:38 JARED LETO hahah WTF. Also, the father of America's Baby has taken the stage. Oh I can't hate. I love me some Kanye. I would be nothing as a blogger without you, Ye. You just be you, boo.
8:41 OK, so let me get this straight, MTV and the FCC. Miley Cyrus can wear teddy bear ears on her tits and butt grind Robin Thicke BUT KANYE CANNOT SAY THE 'N' WORD IN HIS OWN FUCKING SONG? POST RACIAL AMERICA! WE HAZ ALL THE WINS!
8:48 Oh give me a break, Daft Punk, we already know what you look like without the damn helmets.
8:52 "Gay rights are human rights, there are no separations." FUCK YEAH. ALL OF THIS.
9:00 BREAKING BREAKING BREAKING: ATTENTION EVERYONE!! JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE AND NSYNC TIME!! GET YOUR SHIT ON THE MTV AND GET WITH THIS
9:24 EVERYONE GO BACK TO NORMAL MODE. NSYNC AND JUSTIN ARE DONE NOW.
9:27 Oh. Kevin Hart. You were doing comedy. I guess I missed that. Sorry dude.
9:30 Yes, again, the servants of Mammon have usurped the VMA performances and have risen to the stage and called out to the great demon Asag to summon the dark forces of the underworld and—-OH SHIT sorry you guise. That's just One Direction again! Damn, I need to get my eye prescription checked again! Sorry about all these error, lol!
9:35 All my love to Mary Lambert and this awesome song. "I can't change, even if I wanted to." I remember when the idea of getting on stage at the VMAs and singing about gay rights would have been about as plausible as a unicorn climbing out of my ass and singing the Peruvian national anthem. Anyone besides me remember the whole Sebastian Bach 'AIDs Kills Fags Dead' thing? Yeah, he was on the VMAs that year. Progress. It's an awesome thing.
9:37 Jennifer Hudson appearance >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> N'Sync appearance. FOR REAL.
9:48 "Started from the bottom now the whole team here!" YEAH! This is our song, Groupthink. WHATEVS HATERS/
9:56 Oh Bruno Mars! You adorable coked-up Keebler Elf! I want to marry you too!
10:02 I got mainpaged for a 40 second post I did on food most people eat when they're high or living as a shut-in. I've been live-blogging this painful shitshow for three hours, but corn nuggets gets mainpaged. BECAUSE OF COURSE. CORN NUGGETS ARE THE FUCKING BEST THING EVER.
10:10 Dude, MTV teaser editors. How is "ROAR" Katy Perry's biggest hit ever? It hasn't even been released yet?
10:12 So when exactly are we going to talk about the fat-shaming car commercial with the hamsters and Lady Gaga's song? Hello? Anyone?
10:15 OK , time for shittiest crap of the yea—I mean 'Video Of The Year.' Who gets this shitty honor? [waits for JGL to do his thing] Congrats to Justin Timberlake, FYI MTV tells all the talent beforehand who wins each award so unless you're a 12-year-old, stop fawning over how shocked and humbled they are that they win these damn things.
10:18 AGAIN, how is this Katy Perry's 'biggest hit ever'? What the fuck is that all about? THIS SONG IS NOT EVEN OUT YET. IS THIS FUCKING 1984 OR SOME SHIT? IS KATY PERRY BIG BROTHER OR WHAT?
10:20 Literally the worst performance ever at a VMA. This is a terrible song. Terrible performance. Also, LOL at the pairing of 'eye of the tiger' lyrics with 'boxing' themed performance. I bet she came up with this while she was writing this dumb song. "I can do a whole Rocky thing and dress in boxing attire and OMG everyone will totally love it!!!" Way to kill my corn nugget mainpaging buzz, Katy!
10:23 OK this shit is over with. Thank gawd. I can go find out why everyone is freaking the fuck out about Breaking Bad tonight. Peace out and love you all!!!! GROUPTHINK+++we started from the bottom now our whole crew is here!!! YEA!!